SHOCK
Where DID Barbara
go?! She’s broke and with an income in the $200 range she can’t afford to house
herself! She’s has no car. Everything she has is in the suitcase. Now I’m in a
full meltdown with a full strength panic attack. As soon as I could compose
myself enough I tried calling her hoping she’s with a nearby friend.
No answer.
Try again, nothing. My brain is going haywire now trying to wrap my head around
her being gone. I’m crying more and pouring out my thoughts vocally while
smoking a cigarette. Out of my mouth comes “the only happy glimmers I’ve had in
my life since you died Sheila were because of Barbara!” I was momentarily
confused saying out loud ‘I had happy glimmers?!’ Then I saw memories flashing
in my head and I saw the glimmers. Now this is really bad timing for her!!
Realizing this new
info brought all kinds of new possibilities for us I never thought possible. If
we keep working at it she could actually bring some semblance of happiness into
my life. Something I long ago gave up attaining might be possible because of
her influence on my daily life! All this made things get a lot worse. Anxiety,
panic, the crying, new hopelessness if Barbara doesn’t come back, all started
having the same effect on me Sheila’s dying did. Fucking Great!!!
I tried calling,
leaving messages, tried emails the next morning. No response. No clue where she
is, if she’s even alive. Nothing. I can’t sleep and forgot to eat that fateful
Thursday. With no response Friday, crying all of the time, still being in shock
and now with no sleep, I didn’t eat (for 4 days) and could not answer the phone
unless it was Barbara (it never was). All the while trying to get in contact
with her. Eventually I reached out to the only person available but knew it was
likely a futile effort. Still, I’m trying to find my wife and fix our marriage
so I have to try. She’s gone off the deep end on this one and needs her husband
to bring her back to reality but how can I if she won’t respond?! With fingers
crossed I waited. And kept crying my eyes out. It took 4 days for me to be able
to tell anyone, my sister had to yank it out of me because she never saw me so
upset before. Friend and best man at our wedding Eric had to come over to try
and calm me with cannabis, which I needed badly over this!
The only way for her to pull this exodus off
is to call a certain family member, lead him to believe she is in danger from
me somehow (I get that from what she said online, everyone who has seen us and
knows me will tell you she never had reason to fear for her safety with me!)
He’s the only one who would AND could help her like that. After a week passed I
get told about Barbara making a twitter post about leaving her husband and I
respond hoping it will open positive communication but she immediately
retaliated by telling me to stop stalking her. Damn that’s messed up! Then she
starts in with more posts on Google+, which made a few people ask me what’s
going on with me and Barb. I try to look but am blocked by her so I get a
copy/pasted look at what she said. Until then I had decided to not make any
posts about this, she changed my mind when she got cruel, petty, and began
telling outright lies trying to get sympathy under false pretenses.
Then she actually
responds to me on one of my posts about us, and she is being cold hearted in
her demeanor. Usual behavior for her, refusing to take responsibility for her
actions, trying to shift blame of all things she is doing on me, twisting parts
of old conversations into something new by taking things out of their original
context and changing it completely, and even holding my disability against me
while telling everyone on her posts it’s because I am capable of murder. Talk
about fucked up!! It’s because of the trauma I suffered after Sheila died when
I inherited anxiety/panic attacks and my depression, so to say what she did is
outright lying. Many times I told her how she acts proves Barbara love only
Barbara so much that I don’t exist in the relationship, will screw over or lie
to anyone she must to get what she wants, and doesn’t care who gets hurt as
long as she got what she wanted. So far her actions in abandoning us and how
she’s acted since are proving me right when I so desperately wanted her to
prove me wrong. I actually said those truths to her hoping she’d listen and ask
me to help her change it. Over 2 years and she never even thought about it.
Never asked what why I came to that assessment and refused to listen when I
told her the ‘why’.
Now she is trying to
justify her continued actions on fictitious problems we never had. Never
accepting the truth: she made our relationship what it was, controlled the
energy of it, and it could all be what we both want and need of she would just
knock it off and try to be the person she describes herself to be instead of
creating false images. I see you clearly Barbara. I know you better than you
will ever know yourself and can show you the way to being what you fantasize.
You know MY LOVE is true, is yours? Was yours ever true to me?
To be continued
……Maybe……
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