The wondering pt 2

 No more wondering. I know she has been in Florida for a bit, gloating about it. Making sure I know she has the same situation she did with me, but better now since she's in the town she wants to be with a man that gives her what she wants in money that I could not. She targeted a man where she wanted and now has him suckered. Liars....what can you do?
 For her birthday present he decided it was sweet to pay for her divorce filing from me. What a sucker to think he and Barbara will ever get married. She has her plans for him and I KNOW what it is, she'll leave him as soon as she does not need him. Barbara Sherry Rose is a sociopath, psychotic on a powerful anti-psychotic medication. She uses people until there is nothing more to get from them.
 I know her and her games too well. She'll hide her needing medication from him just like she hid from her doctor that she was in California since 2014 and married to me since 9-18-2015. That way she could defraud her doctor and prescription RX to get her anti-psychotic meds in California when her doc is in Florida.
 She has shown herself to be a liar, user, manipulator so much that nearly everyone she has known can't stand the person she truly is despite what she tried to manipulate people into thinking on her website. She's NOT a doctor, knows her so called 'credentials' are worthless, but does not care as long as it looks good on-line. Her whole website is a manipulation, there is no 'institute' she talks about founding, she is no expert on anything she pretends. It's all a scam. She wrote everything herself to look like someone else did because "It looks more credible", as she put it.
 Her problem! Karma has plans for her and I can't feel sorry for her anymore. She's just a disgusting person who breaks every promise she has ever made. Ask anyone!

I do not want her to publish my book, nor have I for 2.5 years because all of her books are garbage in every way. All of the things publishing professionals say to not do she has done many times. It shows. Thankfully I will deal with it on my own, PROFESSIONALLY. So if you want to know how to publish, DO IT YOURSELF, like I will and many authors have. At least no one can screw you. Go to Amazon, follow the directions, and just accept they will RAPE you of as much as they can, but if you work it right you can be a best selling author there too.
 Just make sure you got a good editor, formatter, and like your cover design. Okay?

Halestorm - "I Am The Fire" [Official Video]

Brave enough?! Strong enough!? YOU FUCKING GODDESS! YOU KNOW YOU ARE AND IT'S TRUE!

Halestorm - All I Wanna Do (Is Make Love To You)

Damn, Liz, you told me to shut up and you tell everyone?! Well then I'll tell everyone that I love you and are waiting for you to rape me again!.....Wait...is it rape if I consent? Well save this for the prostitutor....I mean prosecutor! Damn spell check!

Huey Lewis And The News - Workin' For A Livin'

Frank Sinatra - Love And Marriage (+lyrics) [HD]

Derailment and getting back on track

 Three years ago today I thought I was getting closer to publishing when I ended up with a new girlfriend that kept telling me she was going to get me through the entire process. Instead she became a derailment with her many empty promises, constant mental abuse, and with me taking care of the both of us on my limited disability income made it impossible to finance any part of my publishing project. I really didn't mind though because she does all her books herself and they are filled with the things all professionals say make a bad book. Let's not even mention the horrible subject matter that clearly display pseudo-enlightenment bullshit or plagiarism. 

 All along throughout the relationship she showed in every opportunity that who she says she is and who she really is are 2 different people. Proving over the 2.5 years the sweet Barbara is a huge lie, and the psychotic Barbara goes deeper than you think. I acted on the promises she made about truly loving me, and kept taking her abuses hoping to work through it with her to reach a better behavior pathology. All the while feeling like the King of Fools when every action from her seemed to have only selfish interests that benefit HER while I have to put out all of the effort or pay some cost to me she didn't even appreciate me paying. If she was in a good mood that day and wanted fun, we were allowed to have a fun day, if she was in 'Dark Barbara' mode her sociopathy came out and she took great pleasure in causing me anxiety or panic attack meltdowns. 

 While I worked under the assumption she loves me somewhere in that psychotic mind, my love stayed strong. I took her abuses and tolerated the psychological attacks I suffered from her instigation. I hoped we would see the day when she got a new medical work-up done and a better medication than Seroquel because it never seemed to work, from my observation. What I feared was that the truth she was showing me was all there is, she is a full on sociopath, and the relationship is as doomed as I think it is since our second month together. Time would tell. Psychopaths can pretend to be nice, can fool anyone who never spends time with them, but can't keep it up when in close quarters. Sooner or later they prove who they really are.

 Barbara finally did, but this time she can't hide it or deny it anymore when too many people have seen who she really is by how she treated me. Since she abandoned the marriage she has shown no sign of caring about me in any way, has been telling lies that I threatened her life or she was afraid for her safety and that's why she left. SHE knows it bullshit, everyone who observed us like my sister, friends Eric, Neil, Karen, Cyndi, have all been witness to how we talked to and about each other, were also victim to her attempted manipulations of them. We ALL know the truth. Plus I can prove a long history of her psychopathy (Covert Narcissism) thanks to info shared to me by people in her long past. 

 After neary 7 months without her torment (except from on-line) I have had 1/6 th the anxiety because that's how much she increased it, accepted the truth I did not want to believe throughout the relationship that she only loves Barbara, there is NO room for anyone else, I never was a consideration to her in the relationship proving when I said over and over "you make me feel like I don't even exist in this relationship. There's YOU and what you want how you want it and I'm just here to give it to you, but if I don't do it exactly how you want me to then you don't appreciate it".

 It's been a disheartening experience going through all the memories, looking without the Rose-colored glasses (pun intended!!) and seeing it all clearly, seeing how the memories look with truth of sight. She targeted me because A.R. was giving her nothing on which to feed while I got suckered into her 'Love-bombing' game. I gave her likely the last chance to be truly loved, I married her suspecting who she really is while hoping there was love from her. She just manipulated, caused problems with my family, got me kicked out of the apartment I had for 12 years (the manager will tell you, plus she didn't pay rent or bills), made me move into a place I did not want to be so I could care for her through 2 surgeries, then take off after I took her to her biopsy appointment then went on an errand leaving a cruel note making sure to cause a specific trauma to me in a very specific way to cause max damage. Since then there has been no remorse or kindness from her, only more abuse. She wasn't supposed to go back to the apartments but manipulated our former neighbor Ceola into housing/feeding her which pissed off her boyfriend, especially when Barb kept eating all of the food. She hid there for 5 weeks, the manager found out, kicked out Ceola. Who knows where she is or who she suckered into housing and feeding her.

 I'd love to know what they would think if they came to learn the truth, but that's more bad karma Barbara has to make good for. Any love I felt is gone. How can I love an illusion filled with broken promises? She didn't exist as I fell for her, so I accepted who she really is because she loves me, but she never loved me. It was just another role she played until she had no more food in me. Once she found a more fruitful victim she moved on with extreme cruelty. She can barely afford her phone and meds so some poor person is paying her way, unless she's in a homeless shelter. 

 SO! Where is it all now? Without Barbara I have found an editor who is intrigued by the story about Sheila and me. The rough draft for the cover is chosen. All I need is the funds for editing and cover finalization to get going, which will come in time. Without being tormented daily or weekly from an actual sociopath my days are calmer. It's nice to be dealing only with the anxiety/panics in the pure state without all the extra shit I didn't need or want. I've been approached by a printing company owner to galerize 3D prints by taking my art ability to the 3'd digisculpting world. It means learning 3 intricate programs for generating 3D images for print, but too intriguing to pass!
 I'll take my shit life without the Narcissists abuse. It may be crap but it's so much better than with her abuse! I KNOW Sheila is proud of how I treated Barbara and that Barb's gramma Rose and father are severely unhappy with HER conduct, so I am clean. She has much to answer for, which will lead barbara to an eventual reflection of me now, in some future life. 
 For now, I got my authorship travels back on track and am in a much better place. 

        Recipe  of  True Love

                                                                                                                                                                                               By Samuel Vain

1: HONESTY/TRANSPARENCY

      No relationship will make it if someone is nearly never honest. This is why my marriage is failing right now. You cannot connect with a fake person, there’s nothing to which to connect. Sheila and I became so strong because we were both honest about who we are, we knew each was a good person that made mistakes. Learning the things that made us grow when at our worst shows how we learned to be better. Sheila and I knew we could tell our worst and the other will still love us so there were no secrets. We had no fear of being honest or getting undeserved backlash.

2: SACRIFICE

       What are you willing to do for your union? To sacrifice oneself for true love brings great rewards. When you see someone sacrificing for you that you will give anything for makes you deeply appreciate that person. The love grows stronger. I sacrificed my nursing career to take Sheila home and care for her there using all of my medical training to benefit her. For Barbara I sacrificed everything I have and am to support us both on my disability income when her income could not support her. Sheila sacrificed herself to our union. It was everything she had and everything I wanted. Barbara sacrificed nothing for us unless it got her some reaction she sought. That selfishness she continuously showed made me feel like I wasn’t even a part of the relationship. Sacrifices are selfless, it’s done for the greater good to help the union grow stronger.

3: SYMBIOSIS

       One Feeds the other while both work together to make the union stronger. When you’re truly in love it feels like you are one person. Sheila and I talking realized one day that we acted as Two Hearts Intertwined into One Love and One Mind Eternal, it became our personal credo. I make her happy, her being happy brings me joy, I feel happy too. Feeding the soul of your beloved feeds yours too, and your union becomes stronger.  Fun was more fun with us together. When apart we wanted it to end quickly. We just didn’t feel complete without the other half with us. To hurt them would rip your heart and soul apart, to live without them is no life, they are your air and water. You can’t help being thoughtful and attentive to each other with small gifts like a certain candy or a pretty 2$ flower just to say ‘I Love You’ in some sweet way. Those little moments come along more frequently than big ones. You made your sweetie happy and now you feel happier too. Perfect synergy.

4: NURTURING

    It’s important to support each other’s interests, even explore them. Sometimes you may wonder “what went through your mind to come up with that?” but if it doesn’t cause harm, go with it! You can nurture by telling them if you think it’s a bad idea too. Explain why you think it and see what comes. They might have thought about that and planned in case or might think you got a great point and change their mind in some positive way. Then you both are nurtured and again, become stronger.

5: SECURITY

       If you don’t give it or get it how can you have faith in the one not contributing? We all want to know that this person will be there until one of us dies. To know the love will continue. Opportunities come all of the time to prove what you say is true, but if someone keeps proving at every chance what they said before was a lie then how can they offer security? Just can’t! When the love is true you both keep proving your honesty. That breeds security. When you’re both knowing you are totally accepted by the other and want no one else in the world for life, that IS Security! Short of it is: Keep your promises and be dependable.

6: RESPONSIBILITY/ACCOUNTABILITY

        So important! If you never take responsibility for your own actions you have no accountability. No conflict can ever be truly solved when someone won’t be accountable and tries to transfer responsibility to the one who is owning up to their part. True love won’t do this because they want resolution for all and to learn from the conflict. You MUST own up to your part and make it right. This builds trust BIG TIME!

7: APPRECIATION/ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

       It’s so important to appreciate what that special someone does to show they care. Acknowledgement of those moments makes one feel appreciated. Like if your honey notices a coin has your birth year on it and gives it to you saying ‘Happy birthday’, opens a door, holds your hand, makes an omelet, whatever! Appreciate that little moment, those are a true treasure. No trinket or jewel is as precious. Once one of you die those will get you through when you miss them. Thinking about all those wonderful moments remind us why we hurt so much, because that love is so great and what you come to appreciate most in your heart.

I hope you enjoy my 7 helpful tips and take everything to heart, unless you have it already! May your true love be as mine and Sheila’s. She died 13 years ago and I love her as much as if she were here with me physically.

BSR-V aban. pt 3: epilogue and message to my wife

 The wondering. It’s killing what’s left of me. It looks like there’s no saving us. Looking back at everything and where we are now makes me think Barbara was never truly in this for us to be happy, she wanted me to give her something in a magical relationship but I can’t help wonder if she only stayed as long as she did because of having nowhere else to go. Just using me to support her when she couldn’t but got tired of the broke life and being cramped in tiny living spaces so she got her uncle to move her back to Florida in his nice big country club house where she really wanted to be (pure speculation, she may be in Cali. for all I know). She knew I was on disability, where I lived when we got together, and how much I struggle to get by, so it’s not like she was surprised. All I can do is wonder if anything she ever said to me was true when all of her actions through the whole relationship showed otherwise to me/everyone else we saw regularly. This truth hurts a lot to have to face and I still hope she really does care somewhere inside enough to finally admit the truth to herself, we had a good marriage, maybe fix us.

Not only is she killing my hope that a true love can come after losing the love of your life, being just as important in their own way, but she’s killing everyone else’s that has suffered the same loss. Our life together was good except for when we were arguing. We had many wonderful moments like having our private parties playing music videos dancing on the porch while having a smoke. Our first 4^th of July getting take out chicken dinner and watching fireworks, chilling at home cuddled on the couch, snuggling ourselves to sleep, getting through another fight and being stronger/ happier until the next one. With all our individual mental issues we were doing great and always I improved after having a major issue, mine were becoming less frequent. Hers were becoming clearer to me and I was learning how to handle them better. We really are good for each other and she knows it! Plus there’s the future.

 Barbara, you know there’s a high likelihood you will become forgetful enough to not take your meds, things will go badly in that way you know, no one will be able to handle that, which will land you in a care facility of some kind. We already talked about that, you asked me to care for you at home, I promised you I would because I love my wife too much to let her be in a care facility. I’ll love you even if you don’t remember me and I have to remind you every day with pictures and our marriage certificate. That still stands!

 How many times have I said: if you want the rewards of a strong true love relationship you have to be willing to put in the work. When you work for something it means more to you, when it’s handed to you it means nearly nothing. You’ll never reap the rewards if you just give up and quit. No matter how much I wanted to I never gave up on you or us, put everything I have into us, got through what made me feel like quitting, then made everything right so we could be happy again no matter who started the conflict. I don’t know how you could quit like this, Barbara, in the specific way to mess me up with maximum shock and pain. Is this you? Or are you really a loving person deep inside that can tell you’re giving up something truly great/wonderful and make up before it’s too late?

 All I can do is wait and see.

 You wanna know what I miss about you being here Barbara? I miss when you wanted me to run an errand you needed and it gave me a clear anxiety reaction where I tell you what’s up. Many times not in a sweet way since I was having an attack. None the less I went anyway because you needed it to be done. Along the way I thought about how it’s easy to do things when you’re happy about it but when you’re not and do it for someone you love anyway that is showing real love. I showed you real love that way many times if you think about it(even if you thought I did it badly). I also miss having to go to the markets for the food you want so much that I think about what to get you even now when in the stores we used. My anxiety on that subject had lessened in the last year thanks to me doing it for you. Now it’s back to how it was before you came because I want to shop for US, not just me. You made me want to cook because I loved it when you enjoyed what I made for us/you.

 Even when we were fighting and you spent most of the day in bed I was always glad to see you when you came out whether you said anything to me or not. When I had to do some side job, help someone, or do anything where I left and you stayed home, I always wanted to get HOME to be with you. Looked forward to getting there and hoping you were happy I came home. YOU made my place home! Without you it’s back to being a place where I don’t want to be but can’t leave easily. But I guess that’s my problem.

 We knew what was up when we took our vows, we made promises to stay together in sickness or in health, through good times and bad, and to love, honor, and cherish each other. I hold true even through this tragedy, what will you do Barbara? You want to learn and grow? You know being with me with help you grow in ways you need while you enjoy the true real love I feel for you. I want to grow too but without you, my adored wife, I have no reason or ability. Being the best husband to you I can be is what makes me continue, and you know I am the best you’ve ever heard of despite my mental issues! They improved greatly with your influence. Can we go back to fighting for our happy marriage or do you need time?! Give me something to hope for or closure! I deserve at least one of them.

BSR-V abandons husband Pt. 2

SHOCK

 Where DID Barbara go?! She’s broke and with an income in the $200 range she can’t afford to house herself! She’s has no car. Everything she has is in the suitcase. Now I’m in a full meltdown with a full strength panic attack. As soon as I could compose myself enough I tried calling her hoping she’s with a nearby friend. 

No answer. Try again, nothing. My brain is going haywire now trying to wrap my head around her being gone. I’m crying more and pouring out my thoughts vocally while smoking a cigarette. Out of my mouth comes “the only happy glimmers I’ve had in my life since you died Sheila were because of Barbara!” I was momentarily confused saying out loud ‘I had happy glimmers?!’ Then I saw memories flashing in my head and I saw the glimmers. Now this is really bad timing for her!!

 Realizing this new info brought all kinds of new possibilities for us I never thought possible. If we keep working at it she could actually bring some semblance of happiness into my life. Something I long ago gave up attaining might be possible because of her influence on my daily life! All this made things get a lot worse. Anxiety, panic, the crying, new hopelessness if Barbara doesn’t come back, all started having the same effect on me Sheila’s dying did. Fucking Great!!!

 I tried calling, leaving messages, tried emails the next morning. No response. No clue where she is, if she’s even alive. Nothing. I can’t sleep and forgot to eat that fateful Thursday. With no response Friday, crying all of the time, still being in shock and now with no sleep, I didn’t eat (for 4 days) and could not answer the phone unless it was Barbara (it never was). All the while trying to get in contact with her. Eventually I reached out to the only person available but knew it was likely a futile effort. Still, I’m trying to find my wife and fix our marriage so I have to try. She’s gone off the deep end on this one and needs her husband to bring her back to reality but how can I if she won’t respond?! With fingers crossed I waited. And kept crying my eyes out. It took 4 days for me to be able to tell anyone, my sister had to yank it out of me because she never saw me so upset before. Friend and best man at our wedding Eric had to come over to try and calm me with cannabis, which I needed badly over this!

  The only way for her to pull this exodus off is to call a certain family member, lead him to believe she is in danger from me somehow (I get that from what she said online, everyone who has seen us and knows me will tell you she never had reason to fear for her safety with me!) He’s the only one who would AND could help her like that. After a week passed I get told about Barbara making a twitter post about leaving her husband and I respond hoping it will open positive communication but she immediately retaliated by telling me to stop stalking her. Damn that’s messed up! Then she starts in with more posts on Google+, which made a few people ask me what’s going on with me and Barb. I try to look but am blocked by her so I get a copy/pasted look at what she said. Until then I had decided to not make any posts about this, she changed my mind when she got cruel, petty, and began telling outright lies trying to get sympathy under false pretenses.

 Then she actually responds to me on one of my posts about us, and she is being cold hearted in her demeanor. Usual behavior for her, refusing to take responsibility for her actions, trying to shift blame of all things she is doing on me, twisting parts of old conversations into something new by taking things out of their original context and changing it completely, and even holding my disability against me while telling everyone on her posts it’s because I am capable of murder. Talk about fucked up!! It’s because of the trauma I suffered after Sheila died when I inherited anxiety/panic attacks and my depression, so to say what she did is outright lying. Many times I told her how she acts proves Barbara love only Barbara so much that I don’t exist in the relationship, will screw over or lie to anyone she must to get what she wants, and doesn’t care who gets hurt as long as she got what she wanted. So far her actions in abandoning us and how she’s acted since are proving me right when I so desperately wanted her to prove me wrong. I actually said those truths to her hoping she’d listen and ask me to help her change it. Over 2 years and she never even thought about it. Never asked what why I came to that assessment and refused to listen when I told her the ‘why’.

 Now she is trying to justify her continued actions on fictitious problems we never had. Never accepting the truth: she made our relationship what it was, controlled the energy of it, and it could all be what we both want and need of she would just knock it off and try to be the person she describes herself to be instead of creating false images. I see you clearly Barbara. I know you better than you will ever know yourself and can show you the way to being what you fantasize. You know MY LOVE is true, is yours? Was yours ever true to me?

   To be continued ……Maybe……

Barbara Sherry Rose-Vain abandons her marriage

 Along my path to publishing I met a published author named Barbara Sherry Rose while killing time on Google+. We became fast friends, got together on Oct. 16th 2014, and got married on Sept. 18th, 2015.

We both have mental issues, hers requires medication and mine got me put on disability for post trauma anxiety disorder/panic attack disorder, along with major depression causing suicidal ideations.
 Since July 2016 we have had nothing but stresses put on us. We took her to the E.R. because she was convinved she had another urinary tract infection and found out her pain was caused by fibroid tumors in her uterus and stones in her gallbladder. These require surgical ramoval. Getting her health insurance was hard but she got it pretty quickly due to the urgency, still initial appointments were weeks or months away.
 In august we got a 60 day notice from the manager to move in retaliation for calling code enforcement over the really shoddy construction the maintenance crew did on rebuilding the deck above my patio. Now we have more stress because the manager will not change her mind even after Barbara went to talk to her about the surgeries. The hysterectomy was scheduled for Oct. 14th and our final day to be moved was the 16th, but none of that mattered to the manager because she was mad we called code enforcement. Fight to stay or find a new place and move....which one? We eventually got tired of the situation and moved into a house where we rent a room with 2 others.


 With that handled her surgery day came, I spent the whole time with my wife in the hospital. It was a whole 2 days(OOH). Then I took care of her while she recovered. Lots of pain. Gallbladder came next and this one was easier on her. When she had the presurgical testing done it revealed unusual thyroid function, so now we have another health thing to wonder about.
 Now we have stresses of normal life. One of them is us fighting when Barbara has a mental moment, her chem balance is off and she becomes 'Dark Barbara' who likes to instigate fights causing me an anxiety attack, then when I get upset in the same way every time this happens suddenly she thinks I got upset with no provocation. Then she jumps down my throat about every little thing I say, taking what I said out of context and changing it to my annoyance, never will admit she did anything to lead up to me getting upset, nor does she think she has any reason to apologize for her actions but wants me to do so for mine and accept responsibility for her actions too.

For months we have been talking about getting a place either with my little sister or our friend Gino then out of nowhere on Feb. 5th Barbara tells me she suddenly will not allow us to move in with sis bringing up good reasons but in a cold heartless way. I didn't want to relay the info knowing it would cause my sis great upset so I told Barb she'll have to tell her when the time comes. Since sis was getting a car the next day after 4 years trying I advised Barb not call her that day or the next so as to not ruin her celebration and good mood. I left for a bit on the 6th to drop Gino off at his favorite hangout and Barbara decided to go behind my back after promising not to and called sis. When I got back there was an upset message from her. In finding out why I got mad at Barbara for the sneaky move and breaking the promise she made the day before. Like usual we started fighting.

 Barbara was back in to that mood again. To me and my sister it was all settled after a couple of days, but Barbara had to keep it going between her and me. I kept wanting to react a certain way but found myself more irritated than I expected.
After a few more days the topic was still making us argue I noticed me reacting to her with flash reactions, being a lot more irritable than normal, even saying things before I realized I said anything then wondering why. Something was going on with my condition again and I needed to figure it out. As more days went by that Barbara just would not let it go or accepting the fact we sill not be living with my sister, I started to see what was happening in me and track it to the original source. After so much health crap the thyroid thing made me think 'are you fucking kidding us?!?' adding the possibility of cancer to the mix.

 It all started to become clear. I was heading to another anxiety meltdwon. All the extra panic attacks, high anxiety...it's been building up for the last month and keeping me on an extra sharp edge! Plus Sheila's birthday is on the 1st and I always get a little edgy, so it just became too much to control any more than I had. With Barbara's biopsy coming on thursday(the 23rd) so we can find out if it's cancer this was a really bad time for this meltdown. No wonder she can't tell if I love her lately. These thoughts were on Tuesday the 21st. All that day and Wednesday I got it all together in my head so I could talk to Barb and straighten everything out, as well as make it right for how my disorder was hurting her lately.
We went to the biopsy, came home to chill until I went to do a quick side job for cigarette money, an hour later I went. As I left I say "I'll see you when I get back" then blow her a kiss while thinking 'when I get back I'll have my thoughts gathered and fix the fighting. After doing the job I stop on my way home at the smoke shop because I know we're out of cigs. I'm looking forward to having one with my wife when I get home and fixing our marriage, but she's taking a nap when I get there. Now I wait in the living room for her to come out. 2 hours later a really bad panic attack comes from nowhere. It has me distracted for a bit. Going to the bathroom I see her sundries are gone, reaction: "HUH? Strange."
 Then I go to the bedroom, opening the door it looks like the bed is empty so I turn on the light. No Barbara, her suitcase is gone, a clipboard on the bed has a piece of paper, on it is written:
 Sam, when I got sick you told me to run for my life, called yourself a walking cancerstick, and told me I would be better off without you. I completely agree. I went back to Florida and do not want any contact with you ever again. You lost your wife, thank you and goodbye!
Barbara

                                          TO BE CONTINUED...