The wondering. It’s
killing what’s left of me. It looks like there’s no saving us. Looking back at
everything and where we are now makes me think Barbara was never truly in this
for us to be happy, she wanted me to give her something in a magical relationship
but I can’t help wonder if she only stayed as long as she did because of having
nowhere else to go. Just using me to support her when she couldn’t but got
tired of the broke life and being cramped in tiny living spaces so she got her
uncle to move her back to Florida in his nice big country club house where she
really wanted to be (pure speculation, she may be in Cali. for all I know). She knew I was on disability, where I lived when we got
together, and how much I struggle to get by, so it’s not like she was
surprised. All I can do is wonder if anything she ever said to me was true when
all of her actions through the whole relationship showed otherwise to
me/everyone else we saw regularly. This truth hurts a lot to have to face and I
still hope she really does care somewhere inside enough to finally admit the
truth to herself, we had a good marriage, maybe fix us.
Not only is she killing my hope that a true love
can come after losing the love of your life, being just as important in their
own way, but she’s killing everyone else’s that has suffered the same loss. Our
life together was good except for when we were arguing. We had many wonderful
moments like having our private parties playing music videos dancing on the
porch while having a smoke. Our first 4th of July getting take out
chicken dinner and watching fireworks, chilling at home cuddled on the couch,
snuggling ourselves to sleep, getting through another fight and being stronger/
happier until the next one. With all our individual mental issues we were doing
great and always I improved after having a major issue, mine were becoming less
frequent. Hers were becoming clearer to me and I was learning how to handle
them better. We really are good for each other and she knows it! Plus there’s
the future.
Barbara, you know there’s a high likelihood you will become
forgetful enough to not take your meds, things will go badly in that way you
know, no one will be able to handle that, which will land you in a care
facility of some kind. We already talked about that, you asked me to care for
you at home, I promised you I would because I love my wife too much to let her
be in a care facility. I’ll love you even if you don’t remember me and I have
to remind you every day with pictures and our marriage certificate. That still
stands!
How many
times have I said: if you want the rewards of a strong true love relationship you have to
be willing to put in the work. When you work for something it means more to
you, when it’s handed to you it means nearly nothing. You’ll never reap the
rewards if you just give up and quit. No matter how much I wanted to I never gave up on you or us, put
everything I have into us, got through what made me feel like quitting, then
made everything right so we could be happy again no matter who started the
conflict. I don’t know how you could quit like this, Barbara, in the specific
way to mess me up with maximum shock and pain. Is this you? Or are you really a
loving person deep inside that can tell you’re giving up something truly
great/wonderful and make up before it’s too late?
All I can
do is wait and see.
You wanna
know what I miss about you being here Barbara? I miss when you wanted me to run
an errand you needed and it gave me a clear anxiety reaction where I tell you
what’s up. Many times not in a sweet way since I was having an attack. None the
less I went anyway because you needed it to be done. Along the way I thought
about how it’s easy to do things when you’re happy about it but when you’re not
and do it for someone you love anyway that is showing real love. I showed you
real love that way many times if you think about it(even if you thought I did
it badly). I also miss having to go to the markets for the food you want so
much that I think about what to get you even now when in the stores we used. My
anxiety on that subject had lessened in the last year thanks to me doing it for
you. Now it’s back to how it was before you came because I want to shop for US,
not just me. You made me want to cook because I loved it when you enjoyed what
I made for us/you.
Even when we were fighting and you spent most of the day in
bed I was always glad to see you when you came out whether you said anything to
me or not. When I had to do some side job, help someone, or do anything where I
left and you stayed home, I always wanted to get HOME to be with you. Looked forward to getting there and hoping you
were happy I came home. YOU made my place home! Without you it’s back to being
a place where I don’t want to be but can’t leave easily. But I guess that’s my
problem.
We knew
what was up when we took our vows, we made promises to stay together in
sickness or in health, through good times and bad, and to love, honor, and
cherish each other. I hold true even through this tragedy, what will you do
Barbara? You want to learn and grow? You know being with me with help you grow
in ways you need while you enjoy the true real love I feel for you. I want to
grow too but without you, my adored wife, I have no reason or ability. Being
the best husband to you I can be is what makes me continue, and you know I am
the best you’ve ever heard of despite my mental issues! They improved greatly
with your influence. Can we go back to fighting for our happy marriage or do
you need time?! Give me something to hope for or closure! I deserve at least
one of them.
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