Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Monday, October 16, 2017
Derailment and getting back on track
Three years ago today I thought I was getting closer to publishing when I ended up with a new girlfriend that kept telling me she was going to get me through the entire process. Instead she became a derailment with her many empty promises, constant mental abuse, and with me taking care of the both of us on my limited disability income made it impossible to finance any part of my publishing project. I really didn't mind though because she does all her books herself and they are filled with the things all professionals say make a bad book. Let's not even mention the horrible subject matter that clearly display pseudo-enlightenment bullshit or plagiarism.
All along throughout the relationship she showed in every opportunity that who she says she is and who she really is are 2 different people. Proving over the 2.5 years the sweet Barbara is a huge lie, and the psychotic Barbara goes deeper than you think. I acted on the promises she made about truly loving me, and kept taking her abuses hoping to work through it with her to reach a better behavior pathology. All the while feeling like the King of Fools when every action from her seemed to have only selfish interests that benefit HER while I have to put out all of the effort or pay some cost to me she didn't even appreciate me paying. If she was in a good mood that day and wanted fun, we were allowed to have a fun day, if she was in 'Dark Barbara' mode her sociopathy came out and she took great pleasure in causing me anxiety or panic attack meltdowns.
While I worked under the assumption she loves me somewhere in that psychotic mind, my love stayed strong. I took her abuses and tolerated the psychological attacks I suffered from her instigation. I hoped we would see the day when she got a new medical work-up done and a better medication than Seroquel because it never seemed to work, from my observation. What I feared was that the truth she was showing me was all there is, she is a full on sociopath, and the relationship is as doomed as I think it is since our second month together. Time would tell. Psychopaths can pretend to be nice, can fool anyone who never spends time with them, but can't keep it up when in close quarters. Sooner or later they prove who they really are.
Barbara finally did, but this time she can't hide it or deny it anymore when too many people have seen who she really is by how she treated me. Since she abandoned the marriage she has shown no sign of caring about me in any way, has been telling lies that I threatened her life or she was afraid for her safety and that's why she left. SHE knows it bullshit, everyone who observed us like my sister, friends Eric, Neil, Karen, Cyndi, have all been witness to how we talked to and about each other, were also victim to her attempted manipulations of them. We ALL know the truth. Plus I can prove a long history of her psychopathy (Covert Narcissism) thanks to info shared to me by people in her long past.
After neary 7 months without her torment (except from on-line) I have had 1/6 th the anxiety because that's how much she increased it, accepted the truth I did not want to believe throughout the relationship that she only loves Barbara, there is NO room for anyone else, I never was a consideration to her in the relationship proving when I said over and over "you make me feel like I don't even exist in this relationship. There's YOU and what you want how you want it and I'm just here to give it to you, but if I don't do it exactly how you want me to then you don't appreciate it".
It's been a disheartening experience going through all the memories, looking without the Rose-colored glasses (pun intended!!) and seeing it all clearly, seeing how the memories look with truth of sight. She targeted me because A.R. was giving her nothing on which to feed while I got suckered into her 'Love-bombing' game. I gave her likely the last chance to be truly loved, I married her suspecting who she really is while hoping there was love from her. She just manipulated, caused problems with my family, got me kicked out of the apartment I had for 12 years (the manager will tell you, plus she didn't pay rent or bills), made me move into a place I did not want to be so I could care for her through 2 surgeries, then take off after I took her to her biopsy appointment then went on an errand leaving a cruel note making sure to cause a specific trauma to me in a very specific way to cause max damage. Since then there has been no remorse or kindness from her, only more abuse. She wasn't supposed to go back to the apartments but manipulated our former neighbor Ceola into housing/feeding her which pissed off her boyfriend, especially when Barb kept eating all of the food. She hid there for 5 weeks, the manager found out, kicked out Ceola. Who knows where she is or who she suckered into housing and feeding her.
I'd love to know what they would think if they came to learn the truth, but that's more bad karma Barbara has to make good for. Any love I felt is gone. How can I love an illusion filled with broken promises? She didn't exist as I fell for her, so I accepted who she really is because she loves me, but she never loved me. It was just another role she played until she had no more food in me. Once she found a more fruitful victim she moved on with extreme cruelty. She can barely afford her phone and meds so some poor person is paying her way, unless she's in a homeless shelter.
SO! Where is it all now? Without Barbara I have found an editor who is intrigued by the story about Sheila and me. The rough draft for the cover is chosen. All I need is the funds for editing and cover finalization to get going, which will come in time. Without being tormented daily or weekly from an actual sociopath my days are calmer. It's nice to be dealing only with the anxiety/panics in the pure state without all the extra shit I didn't need or want. I've been approached by a printing company owner to galerize 3D prints by taking my art ability to the 3'd digisculpting world. It means learning 3 intricate programs for generating 3D images for print, but too intriguing to pass!
I'll take my shit life without the Narcissists abuse. It may be crap but it's so much better than with her abuse! I KNOW Sheila is proud of how I treated Barbara and that Barb's gramma Rose and father are severely unhappy with HER conduct, so I am clean. She has much to answer for, which will lead barbara to an eventual reflection of me now, in some future life.
For now, I got my authorship travels back on track and am in a much better place.
All along throughout the relationship she showed in every opportunity that who she says she is and who she really is are 2 different people. Proving over the 2.5 years the sweet Barbara is a huge lie, and the psychotic Barbara goes deeper than you think. I acted on the promises she made about truly loving me, and kept taking her abuses hoping to work through it with her to reach a better behavior pathology. All the while feeling like the King of Fools when every action from her seemed to have only selfish interests that benefit HER while I have to put out all of the effort or pay some cost to me she didn't even appreciate me paying. If she was in a good mood that day and wanted fun, we were allowed to have a fun day, if she was in 'Dark Barbara' mode her sociopathy came out and she took great pleasure in causing me anxiety or panic attack meltdowns.
While I worked under the assumption she loves me somewhere in that psychotic mind, my love stayed strong. I took her abuses and tolerated the psychological attacks I suffered from her instigation. I hoped we would see the day when she got a new medical work-up done and a better medication than Seroquel because it never seemed to work, from my observation. What I feared was that the truth she was showing me was all there is, she is a full on sociopath, and the relationship is as doomed as I think it is since our second month together. Time would tell. Psychopaths can pretend to be nice, can fool anyone who never spends time with them, but can't keep it up when in close quarters. Sooner or later they prove who they really are.
Barbara finally did, but this time she can't hide it or deny it anymore when too many people have seen who she really is by how she treated me. Since she abandoned the marriage she has shown no sign of caring about me in any way, has been telling lies that I threatened her life or she was afraid for her safety and that's why she left. SHE knows it bullshit, everyone who observed us like my sister, friends Eric, Neil, Karen, Cyndi, have all been witness to how we talked to and about each other, were also victim to her attempted manipulations of them. We ALL know the truth. Plus I can prove a long history of her psychopathy (Covert Narcissism) thanks to info shared to me by people in her long past.
After neary 7 months without her torment (except from on-line) I have had 1/6 th the anxiety because that's how much she increased it, accepted the truth I did not want to believe throughout the relationship that she only loves Barbara, there is NO room for anyone else, I never was a consideration to her in the relationship proving when I said over and over "you make me feel like I don't even exist in this relationship. There's YOU and what you want how you want it and I'm just here to give it to you, but if I don't do it exactly how you want me to then you don't appreciate it".
It's been a disheartening experience going through all the memories, looking without the Rose-colored glasses (pun intended!!) and seeing it all clearly, seeing how the memories look with truth of sight. She targeted me because A.R. was giving her nothing on which to feed while I got suckered into her 'Love-bombing' game. I gave her likely the last chance to be truly loved, I married her suspecting who she really is while hoping there was love from her. She just manipulated, caused problems with my family, got me kicked out of the apartment I had for 12 years (the manager will tell you, plus she didn't pay rent or bills), made me move into a place I did not want to be so I could care for her through 2 surgeries, then take off after I took her to her biopsy appointment then went on an errand leaving a cruel note making sure to cause a specific trauma to me in a very specific way to cause max damage. Since then there has been no remorse or kindness from her, only more abuse. She wasn't supposed to go back to the apartments but manipulated our former neighbor Ceola into housing/feeding her which pissed off her boyfriend, especially when Barb kept eating all of the food. She hid there for 5 weeks, the manager found out, kicked out Ceola. Who knows where she is or who she suckered into housing and feeding her.
I'd love to know what they would think if they came to learn the truth, but that's more bad karma Barbara has to make good for. Any love I felt is gone. How can I love an illusion filled with broken promises? She didn't exist as I fell for her, so I accepted who she really is because she loves me, but she never loved me. It was just another role she played until she had no more food in me. Once she found a more fruitful victim she moved on with extreme cruelty. She can barely afford her phone and meds so some poor person is paying her way, unless she's in a homeless shelter.
SO! Where is it all now? Without Barbara I have found an editor who is intrigued by the story about Sheila and me. The rough draft for the cover is chosen. All I need is the funds for editing and cover finalization to get going, which will come in time. Without being tormented daily or weekly from an actual sociopath my days are calmer. It's nice to be dealing only with the anxiety/panics in the pure state without all the extra shit I didn't need or want. I've been approached by a printing company owner to galerize 3D prints by taking my art ability to the 3'd digisculpting world. It means learning 3 intricate programs for generating 3D images for print, but too intriguing to pass!
I'll take my shit life without the Narcissists abuse. It may be crap but it's so much better than with her abuse! I KNOW Sheila is proud of how I treated Barbara and that Barb's gramma Rose and father are severely unhappy with HER conduct, so I am clean. She has much to answer for, which will lead barbara to an eventual reflection of me now, in some future life.
For now, I got my authorship travels back on track and am in a much better place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)