Death.
I faced it literally and I faced it figuratively. In the publishing sense, I lost my book that means so much to me when my HDrive crashed and the data could not be recovered. BUT, I paid a recovery firm to retrieve it for me and now have a second chance. Now I can work toward publishing my book again.
This post is not about publishing. I want to take a break and talk about something else that is too important to be ignored. Suicide.
Some of us are in that place that we will not talk about to anyone for many reasons. You might know someone with a great heart that sacrifices of themself and you think "what a great guy/gal that they do so much for others" when they sacrifice themself for another, but does that earn them actual love for the love they show? Nope! When someone suffers alone and no one notices, it causes them more pain and makes them keep their torment to themself.
On day 1643 after Sheila died I killed myself by using my car as a gas chamber. I was successful but paramedics got lucky when they activated the 'Lazarus equasion' in my body and brought me back to life. That was May 4th, 2008. IF I had been allowed to die that day it would have made me much happier than I am right now. Sheila and me would be together again and have moved on to our next life already, but certain people I care about that I met after might be totally screwed.
There are no accidents in my life, I DO NOT believe accidents are possible because I DO believe in a perfect mathmatical precision in the cosmos. My life has given me too much proof to deny.
Right now I want my life as it is to end immediately! 10 years ago would suit me more! But it didn't, there are people who benefit by my sacrifice to Live because I took the hint my life was not supposed to end on May 4th, 2008.
When I survived that day I gave up. I surrendered myself to this life, to how much suffering I must endure in this life before it will set me free. I became willing to not care about what happens to me, as long as it evens up Karma's debt so Sheila and me can be happy in our next life. To true love I have sacrificed who I am already....so is there any wonder I can take care of a great friend when they need a defender?!
Not everyone is indestructible, like I am. So take care of your more sensitive friends who seem to always have your back. Please, prove you are worthy of that friend, before you lose them. If they seem like they had a miraculous turnaround and are happy, beware, they will die soon.
Your friendly neighborhood Zenmaster,
Samuel Vain
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