To whatever people may be reading, I will make one more post to tell you it's the end of my authordhip travels and why later.
There's not going to be a book.

When death refuses to collect one

 Death.
 I faced it literally and I faced it figuratively. In the publishing sense, I lost my book that means so much to me when my HDrive crashed and the data could not be recovered. BUT, I paid a recovery firm to retrieve it for me and now have a second chance. Now I can work toward publishing my book again. 
 This post is not about publishing. I want to take a break and talk about something else that is too important to be ignored. Suicide.
 Some of us are in that place that we will not talk about to anyone for many reasons. You might know someone with a great heart that sacrifices of themself and you think "what a great guy/gal that they do so much for others" when they sacrifice themself for another, but does that earn them actual love for the love they show? Nope! When someone suffers alone and no one notices, it causes them more pain and makes them keep their torment to themself. 
 On day 1643 after Sheila died I killed myself by using my car as a gas chamber. I was successful but paramedics got lucky when they activated the 'Lazarus equasion' in my body and brought me back to life. That was May 4th, 2008. IF I had been allowed to die that day it would have made me much happier than I am right now. Sheila and me would be together again and have moved on to our next life already, but certain people I care about that I met after might be totally screwed.
 There are no accidents in my life, I DO NOT believe accidents are possible because I DO believe in a perfect mathmatical precision in the cosmos. My life has given me too much proof to deny.
 Right now I want my life as it is to end immediately! 10 years ago would suit me more! But it didn't, there are people who benefit by my sacrifice to Live because I took the hint my life was not supposed to end on May 4th, 2008. 
 When I survived that day I gave up. I surrendered myself to this life, to how much suffering I must endure in this life before it will set me free. I became willing to not care about what happens to me, as long as it evens up Karma's debt so Sheila and me can be happy in our next life. To true love I have sacrificed who I am already....so is there any wonder I can take care of a great friend when they need a defender?!
 Not everyone is indestructible, like I am. So take care of your more sensitive friends who seem to always have your back. Please, prove you are worthy of that friend, before you lose them. If they seem like they had a miraculous turnaround and are happy, beware, they will die soon.

Your friendly neighborhood Zenmaster,
Samuel Vain

 Well well, thanks to a tech issue it looks like my publishing travels are at an end. My laptop Hdrive crashed, data could not be recovered for the first time. I had the same data on my old laptop and when I tried to get it the windows update killed that hdrive too and again, the data could not be recovered. It costs $1600 to recover it, if it can be recovered, which is more than I can afford. So right now it looks like my authorship travels are over.

Goodbye.

The wondering pt 2

 No more wondering. I know she has been in Florida for a bit, gloating about it. Making sure I know she has the same situation she did with me, but better now since she's in the town she wants to be with a man that gives her what she wants in money that I could not. She targeted a man where she wanted and now has him suckered. Liars....what can you do?
 For her birthday present he decided it was sweet to pay for her divorce filing from me. What a sucker to think he and Barbara will ever get married. She has her plans for him and I KNOW what it is, she'll leave him as soon as she does not need him. Barbara Sherry Rose is a sociopath, psychotic on a powerful anti-psychotic medication. She uses people until there is nothing more to get from them.
 I know her and her games too well. She'll hide her needing medication from him just like she hid from her doctor that she was in California since 2014 and married to me since 9-18-2015. That way she could defraud her doctor and prescription RX to get her anti-psychotic meds in California when her doc is in Florida.
 She has shown herself to be a liar, user, manipulator so much that nearly everyone she has known can't stand the person she truly is despite what she tried to manipulate people into thinking on her website. She's NOT a doctor, knows her so called 'credentials' are worthless, but does not care as long as it looks good on-line. Her whole website is a manipulation, there is no 'institute' she talks about founding, she is no expert on anything she pretends. It's all a scam. She wrote everything herself to look like someone else did because "It looks more credible", as she put it.
 Her problem! Karma has plans for her and I can't feel sorry for her anymore. She's just a disgusting person who breaks every promise she has ever made. Ask anyone!

I do not want her to publish my book, nor have I for 2.5 years because all of her books are garbage in every way. All of the things publishing professionals say to not do she has done many times. It shows. Thankfully I will deal with it on my own, PROFESSIONALLY. So if you want to know how to publish, DO IT YOURSELF, like I will and many authors have. At least no one can screw you. Go to Amazon, follow the directions, and just accept they will RAPE you of as much as they can, but if you work it right you can be a best selling author there too.
 Just make sure you got a good editor, formatter, and like your cover design. Okay?

Halestorm - "I Am The Fire" [Official Video]

Brave enough?! Strong enough!? YOU FUCKING GODDESS! YOU KNOW YOU ARE AND IT'S TRUE!

Halestorm - All I Wanna Do (Is Make Love To You)

Damn, Liz, you told me to shut up and you tell everyone?! Well then I'll tell everyone that I love you and are waiting for you to rape me again!.....Wait...is it rape if I consent? Well save this for the prostitutor....I mean prosecutor! Damn spell check!

Huey Lewis And The News - Workin' For A Livin'

Frank Sinatra - Love And Marriage (+lyrics) [HD]

Derailment and getting back on track

 Three years ago today I thought I was getting closer to publishing when I ended up with a new girlfriend that kept telling me she was going to get me through the entire process. Instead she became a derailment with her many empty promises, constant mental abuse, and with me taking care of the both of us on my limited disability income made it impossible to finance any part of my publishing project. I really didn't mind though because she does all her books herself and they are filled with the things all professionals say make a bad book. Let's not even mention the horrible subject matter that clearly display pseudo-enlightenment bullshit or plagiarism. 

 All along throughout the relationship she showed in every opportunity that who she says she is and who she really is are 2 different people. Proving over the 2.5 years the sweet Barbara is a huge lie, and the psychotic Barbara goes deeper than you think. I acted on the promises she made about truly loving me, and kept taking her abuses hoping to work through it with her to reach a better behavior pathology. All the while feeling like the King of Fools when every action from her seemed to have only selfish interests that benefit HER while I have to put out all of the effort or pay some cost to me she didn't even appreciate me paying. If she was in a good mood that day and wanted fun, we were allowed to have a fun day, if she was in 'Dark Barbara' mode her sociopathy came out and she took great pleasure in causing me anxiety or panic attack meltdowns. 

 While I worked under the assumption she loves me somewhere in that psychotic mind, my love stayed strong. I took her abuses and tolerated the psychological attacks I suffered from her instigation. I hoped we would see the day when she got a new medical work-up done and a better medication than Seroquel because it never seemed to work, from my observation. What I feared was that the truth she was showing me was all there is, she is a full on sociopath, and the relationship is as doomed as I think it is since our second month together. Time would tell. Psychopaths can pretend to be nice, can fool anyone who never spends time with them, but can't keep it up when in close quarters. Sooner or later they prove who they really are.

 Barbara finally did, but this time she can't hide it or deny it anymore when too many people have seen who she really is by how she treated me. Since she abandoned the marriage she has shown no sign of caring about me in any way, has been telling lies that I threatened her life or she was afraid for her safety and that's why she left. SHE knows it bullshit, everyone who observed us like my sister, friends Eric, Neil, Karen, Cyndi, have all been witness to how we talked to and about each other, were also victim to her attempted manipulations of them. We ALL know the truth. Plus I can prove a long history of her psychopathy (Covert Narcissism) thanks to info shared to me by people in her long past. 

 After neary 7 months without her torment (except from on-line) I have had 1/6 th the anxiety because that's how much she increased it, accepted the truth I did not want to believe throughout the relationship that she only loves Barbara, there is NO room for anyone else, I never was a consideration to her in the relationship proving when I said over and over "you make me feel like I don't even exist in this relationship. There's YOU and what you want how you want it and I'm just here to give it to you, but if I don't do it exactly how you want me to then you don't appreciate it".

 It's been a disheartening experience going through all the memories, looking without the Rose-colored glasses (pun intended!!) and seeing it all clearly, seeing how the memories look with truth of sight. She targeted me because A.R. was giving her nothing on which to feed while I got suckered into her 'Love-bombing' game. I gave her likely the last chance to be truly loved, I married her suspecting who she really is while hoping there was love from her. She just manipulated, caused problems with my family, got me kicked out of the apartment I had for 12 years (the manager will tell you, plus she didn't pay rent or bills), made me move into a place I did not want to be so I could care for her through 2 surgeries, then take off after I took her to her biopsy appointment then went on an errand leaving a cruel note making sure to cause a specific trauma to me in a very specific way to cause max damage. Since then there has been no remorse or kindness from her, only more abuse. She wasn't supposed to go back to the apartments but manipulated our former neighbor Ceola into housing/feeding her which pissed off her boyfriend, especially when Barb kept eating all of the food. She hid there for 5 weeks, the manager found out, kicked out Ceola. Who knows where she is or who she suckered into housing and feeding her.

 I'd love to know what they would think if they came to learn the truth, but that's more bad karma Barbara has to make good for. Any love I felt is gone. How can I love an illusion filled with broken promises? She didn't exist as I fell for her, so I accepted who she really is because she loves me, but she never loved me. It was just another role she played until she had no more food in me. Once she found a more fruitful victim she moved on with extreme cruelty. She can barely afford her phone and meds so some poor person is paying her way, unless she's in a homeless shelter. 

 SO! Where is it all now? Without Barbara I have found an editor who is intrigued by the story about Sheila and me. The rough draft for the cover is chosen. All I need is the funds for editing and cover finalization to get going, which will come in time. Without being tormented daily or weekly from an actual sociopath my days are calmer. It's nice to be dealing only with the anxiety/panics in the pure state without all the extra shit I didn't need or want. I've been approached by a printing company owner to galerize 3D prints by taking my art ability to the 3'd digisculpting world. It means learning 3 intricate programs for generating 3D images for print, but too intriguing to pass!
 I'll take my shit life without the Narcissists abuse. It may be crap but it's so much better than with her abuse! I KNOW Sheila is proud of how I treated Barbara and that Barb's gramma Rose and father are severely unhappy with HER conduct, so I am clean. She has much to answer for, which will lead barbara to an eventual reflection of me now, in some future life. 
 For now, I got my authorship travels back on track and am in a much better place. 

        Recipe  of  True Love

                                                                                                                                                                                               By Samuel Vain

1: HONESTY/TRANSPARENCY

      No relationship will make it if someone is nearly never honest. This is why my marriage is failing right now. You cannot connect with a fake person, there’s nothing to which to connect. Sheila and I became so strong because we were both honest about who we are, we knew each was a good person that made mistakes. Learning the things that made us grow when at our worst shows how we learned to be better. Sheila and I knew we could tell our worst and the other will still love us so there were no secrets. We had no fear of being honest or getting undeserved backlash.

2: SACRIFICE

       What are you willing to do for your union? To sacrifice oneself for true love brings great rewards. When you see someone sacrificing for you that you will give anything for makes you deeply appreciate that person. The love grows stronger. I sacrificed my nursing career to take Sheila home and care for her there using all of my medical training to benefit her. For Barbara I sacrificed everything I have and am to support us both on my disability income when her income could not support her. Sheila sacrificed herself to our union. It was everything she had and everything I wanted. Barbara sacrificed nothing for us unless it got her some reaction she sought. That selfishness she continuously showed made me feel like I wasn’t even a part of the relationship. Sacrifices are selfless, it’s done for the greater good to help the union grow stronger.

3: SYMBIOSIS

       One Feeds the other while both work together to make the union stronger. When you’re truly in love it feels like you are one person. Sheila and I talking realized one day that we acted as Two Hearts Intertwined into One Love and One Mind Eternal, it became our personal credo. I make her happy, her being happy brings me joy, I feel happy too. Feeding the soul of your beloved feeds yours too, and your union becomes stronger.  Fun was more fun with us together. When apart we wanted it to end quickly. We just didn’t feel complete without the other half with us. To hurt them would rip your heart and soul apart, to live without them is no life, they are your air and water. You can’t help being thoughtful and attentive to each other with small gifts like a certain candy or a pretty 2$ flower just to say ‘I Love You’ in some sweet way. Those little moments come along more frequently than big ones. You made your sweetie happy and now you feel happier too. Perfect synergy.

4: NURTURING

    It’s important to support each other’s interests, even explore them. Sometimes you may wonder “what went through your mind to come up with that?” but if it doesn’t cause harm, go with it! You can nurture by telling them if you think it’s a bad idea too. Explain why you think it and see what comes. They might have thought about that and planned in case or might think you got a great point and change their mind in some positive way. Then you both are nurtured and again, become stronger.

5: SECURITY

       If you don’t give it or get it how can you have faith in the one not contributing? We all want to know that this person will be there until one of us dies. To know the love will continue. Opportunities come all of the time to prove what you say is true, but if someone keeps proving at every chance what they said before was a lie then how can they offer security? Just can’t! When the love is true you both keep proving your honesty. That breeds security. When you’re both knowing you are totally accepted by the other and want no one else in the world for life, that IS Security! Short of it is: Keep your promises and be dependable.

6: RESPONSIBILITY/ACCOUNTABILITY

        So important! If you never take responsibility for your own actions you have no accountability. No conflict can ever be truly solved when someone won’t be accountable and tries to transfer responsibility to the one who is owning up to their part. True love won’t do this because they want resolution for all and to learn from the conflict. You MUST own up to your part and make it right. This builds trust BIG TIME!

7: APPRECIATION/ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

       It’s so important to appreciate what that special someone does to show they care. Acknowledgement of those moments makes one feel appreciated. Like if your honey notices a coin has your birth year on it and gives it to you saying ‘Happy birthday’, opens a door, holds your hand, makes an omelet, whatever! Appreciate that little moment, those are a true treasure. No trinket or jewel is as precious. Once one of you die those will get you through when you miss them. Thinking about all those wonderful moments remind us why we hurt so much, because that love is so great and what you come to appreciate most in your heart.

I hope you enjoy my 7 helpful tips and take everything to heart, unless you have it already! May your true love be as mine and Sheila’s. She died 13 years ago and I love her as much as if she were here with me physically.

BSR-V aban. pt 3: epilogue and message to my wife

 The wondering. It’s killing what’s left of me. It looks like there’s no saving us. Looking back at everything and where we are now makes me think Barbara was never truly in this for us to be happy, she wanted me to give her something in a magical relationship but I can’t help wonder if she only stayed as long as she did because of having nowhere else to go. Just using me to support her when she couldn’t but got tired of the broke life and being cramped in tiny living spaces so she got her uncle to move her back to Florida in his nice big country club house where she really wanted to be (pure speculation, she may be in Cali. for all I know). She knew I was on disability, where I lived when we got together, and how much I struggle to get by, so it’s not like she was surprised. All I can do is wonder if anything she ever said to me was true when all of her actions through the whole relationship showed otherwise to me/everyone else we saw regularly. This truth hurts a lot to have to face and I still hope she really does care somewhere inside enough to finally admit the truth to herself, we had a good marriage, maybe fix us.

Not only is she killing my hope that a true love can come after losing the love of your life, being just as important in their own way, but she’s killing everyone else’s that has suffered the same loss. Our life together was good except for when we were arguing. We had many wonderful moments like having our private parties playing music videos dancing on the porch while having a smoke. Our first 4^th of July getting take out chicken dinner and watching fireworks, chilling at home cuddled on the couch, snuggling ourselves to sleep, getting through another fight and being stronger/ happier until the next one. With all our individual mental issues we were doing great and always I improved after having a major issue, mine were becoming less frequent. Hers were becoming clearer to me and I was learning how to handle them better. We really are good for each other and she knows it! Plus there’s the future.

 Barbara, you know there’s a high likelihood you will become forgetful enough to not take your meds, things will go badly in that way you know, no one will be able to handle that, which will land you in a care facility of some kind. We already talked about that, you asked me to care for you at home, I promised you I would because I love my wife too much to let her be in a care facility. I’ll love you even if you don’t remember me and I have to remind you every day with pictures and our marriage certificate. That still stands!

 How many times have I said: if you want the rewards of a strong true love relationship you have to be willing to put in the work. When you work for something it means more to you, when it’s handed to you it means nearly nothing. You’ll never reap the rewards if you just give up and quit. No matter how much I wanted to I never gave up on you or us, put everything I have into us, got through what made me feel like quitting, then made everything right so we could be happy again no matter who started the conflict. I don’t know how you could quit like this, Barbara, in the specific way to mess me up with maximum shock and pain. Is this you? Or are you really a loving person deep inside that can tell you’re giving up something truly great/wonderful and make up before it’s too late?

 All I can do is wait and see.

 You wanna know what I miss about you being here Barbara? I miss when you wanted me to run an errand you needed and it gave me a clear anxiety reaction where I tell you what’s up. Many times not in a sweet way since I was having an attack. None the less I went anyway because you needed it to be done. Along the way I thought about how it’s easy to do things when you’re happy about it but when you’re not and do it for someone you love anyway that is showing real love. I showed you real love that way many times if you think about it(even if you thought I did it badly). I also miss having to go to the markets for the food you want so much that I think about what to get you even now when in the stores we used. My anxiety on that subject had lessened in the last year thanks to me doing it for you. Now it’s back to how it was before you came because I want to shop for US, not just me. You made me want to cook because I loved it when you enjoyed what I made for us/you.

 Even when we were fighting and you spent most of the day in bed I was always glad to see you when you came out whether you said anything to me or not. When I had to do some side job, help someone, or do anything where I left and you stayed home, I always wanted to get HOME to be with you. Looked forward to getting there and hoping you were happy I came home. YOU made my place home! Without you it’s back to being a place where I don’t want to be but can’t leave easily. But I guess that’s my problem.

 We knew what was up when we took our vows, we made promises to stay together in sickness or in health, through good times and bad, and to love, honor, and cherish each other. I hold true even through this tragedy, what will you do Barbara? You want to learn and grow? You know being with me with help you grow in ways you need while you enjoy the true real love I feel for you. I want to grow too but without you, my adored wife, I have no reason or ability. Being the best husband to you I can be is what makes me continue, and you know I am the best you’ve ever heard of despite my mental issues! They improved greatly with your influence. Can we go back to fighting for our happy marriage or do you need time?! Give me something to hope for or closure! I deserve at least one of them.

BSR-V abandons husband Pt. 2

SHOCK

 Where DID Barbara go?! She’s broke and with an income in the $200 range she can’t afford to house herself! She’s has no car. Everything she has is in the suitcase. Now I’m in a full meltdown with a full strength panic attack. As soon as I could compose myself enough I tried calling her hoping she’s with a nearby friend. 

No answer. Try again, nothing. My brain is going haywire now trying to wrap my head around her being gone. I’m crying more and pouring out my thoughts vocally while smoking a cigarette. Out of my mouth comes “the only happy glimmers I’ve had in my life since you died Sheila were because of Barbara!” I was momentarily confused saying out loud ‘I had happy glimmers?!’ Then I saw memories flashing in my head and I saw the glimmers. Now this is really bad timing for her!!

 Realizing this new info brought all kinds of new possibilities for us I never thought possible. If we keep working at it she could actually bring some semblance of happiness into my life. Something I long ago gave up attaining might be possible because of her influence on my daily life! All this made things get a lot worse. Anxiety, panic, the crying, new hopelessness if Barbara doesn’t come back, all started having the same effect on me Sheila’s dying did. Fucking Great!!!

 I tried calling, leaving messages, tried emails the next morning. No response. No clue where she is, if she’s even alive. Nothing. I can’t sleep and forgot to eat that fateful Thursday. With no response Friday, crying all of the time, still being in shock and now with no sleep, I didn’t eat (for 4 days) and could not answer the phone unless it was Barbara (it never was). All the while trying to get in contact with her. Eventually I reached out to the only person available but knew it was likely a futile effort. Still, I’m trying to find my wife and fix our marriage so I have to try. She’s gone off the deep end on this one and needs her husband to bring her back to reality but how can I if she won’t respond?! With fingers crossed I waited. And kept crying my eyes out. It took 4 days for me to be able to tell anyone, my sister had to yank it out of me because she never saw me so upset before. Friend and best man at our wedding Eric had to come over to try and calm me with cannabis, which I needed badly over this!

  The only way for her to pull this exodus off is to call a certain family member, lead him to believe she is in danger from me somehow (I get that from what she said online, everyone who has seen us and knows me will tell you she never had reason to fear for her safety with me!) He’s the only one who would AND could help her like that. After a week passed I get told about Barbara making a twitter post about leaving her husband and I respond hoping it will open positive communication but she immediately retaliated by telling me to stop stalking her. Damn that’s messed up! Then she starts in with more posts on Google+, which made a few people ask me what’s going on with me and Barb. I try to look but am blocked by her so I get a copy/pasted look at what she said. Until then I had decided to not make any posts about this, she changed my mind when she got cruel, petty, and began telling outright lies trying to get sympathy under false pretenses.

 Then she actually responds to me on one of my posts about us, and she is being cold hearted in her demeanor. Usual behavior for her, refusing to take responsibility for her actions, trying to shift blame of all things she is doing on me, twisting parts of old conversations into something new by taking things out of their original context and changing it completely, and even holding my disability against me while telling everyone on her posts it’s because I am capable of murder. Talk about fucked up!! It’s because of the trauma I suffered after Sheila died when I inherited anxiety/panic attacks and my depression, so to say what she did is outright lying. Many times I told her how she acts proves Barbara love only Barbara so much that I don’t exist in the relationship, will screw over or lie to anyone she must to get what she wants, and doesn’t care who gets hurt as long as she got what she wanted. So far her actions in abandoning us and how she’s acted since are proving me right when I so desperately wanted her to prove me wrong. I actually said those truths to her hoping she’d listen and ask me to help her change it. Over 2 years and she never even thought about it. Never asked what why I came to that assessment and refused to listen when I told her the ‘why’.

 Now she is trying to justify her continued actions on fictitious problems we never had. Never accepting the truth: she made our relationship what it was, controlled the energy of it, and it could all be what we both want and need of she would just knock it off and try to be the person she describes herself to be instead of creating false images. I see you clearly Barbara. I know you better than you will ever know yourself and can show you the way to being what you fantasize. You know MY LOVE is true, is yours? Was yours ever true to me?

   To be continued ……Maybe……

Barbara Sherry Rose-Vain abandons her marriage

 Along my path to publishing I met a published author named Barbara Sherry Rose while killing time on Google+. We became fast friends, got together on Oct. 16th 2014, and got married on Sept. 18th, 2015.

We both have mental issues, hers requires medication and mine got me put on disability for post trauma anxiety disorder/panic attack disorder, along with major depression causing suicidal ideations.
 Since July 2016 we have had nothing but stresses put on us. We took her to the E.R. because she was convinved she had another urinary tract infection and found out her pain was caused by fibroid tumors in her uterus and stones in her gallbladder. These require surgical ramoval. Getting her health insurance was hard but she got it pretty quickly due to the urgency, still initial appointments were weeks or months away.
 In august we got a 60 day notice from the manager to move in retaliation for calling code enforcement over the really shoddy construction the maintenance crew did on rebuilding the deck above my patio. Now we have more stress because the manager will not change her mind even after Barbara went to talk to her about the surgeries. The hysterectomy was scheduled for Oct. 14th and our final day to be moved was the 16th, but none of that mattered to the manager because she was mad we called code enforcement. Fight to stay or find a new place and move....which one? We eventually got tired of the situation and moved into a house where we rent a room with 2 others.


 With that handled her surgery day came, I spent the whole time with my wife in the hospital. It was a whole 2 days(OOH). Then I took care of her while she recovered. Lots of pain. Gallbladder came next and this one was easier on her. When she had the presurgical testing done it revealed unusual thyroid function, so now we have another health thing to wonder about.
 Now we have stresses of normal life. One of them is us fighting when Barbara has a mental moment, her chem balance is off and she becomes 'Dark Barbara' who likes to instigate fights causing me an anxiety attack, then when I get upset in the same way every time this happens suddenly she thinks I got upset with no provocation. Then she jumps down my throat about every little thing I say, taking what I said out of context and changing it to my annoyance, never will admit she did anything to lead up to me getting upset, nor does she think she has any reason to apologize for her actions but wants me to do so for mine and accept responsibility for her actions too.

For months we have been talking about getting a place either with my little sister or our friend Gino then out of nowhere on Feb. 5th Barbara tells me she suddenly will not allow us to move in with sis bringing up good reasons but in a cold heartless way. I didn't want to relay the info knowing it would cause my sis great upset so I told Barb she'll have to tell her when the time comes. Since sis was getting a car the next day after 4 years trying I advised Barb not call her that day or the next so as to not ruin her celebration and good mood. I left for a bit on the 6th to drop Gino off at his favorite hangout and Barbara decided to go behind my back after promising not to and called sis. When I got back there was an upset message from her. In finding out why I got mad at Barbara for the sneaky move and breaking the promise she made the day before. Like usual we started fighting.

 Barbara was back in to that mood again. To me and my sister it was all settled after a couple of days, but Barbara had to keep it going between her and me. I kept wanting to react a certain way but found myself more irritated than I expected.
After a few more days the topic was still making us argue I noticed me reacting to her with flash reactions, being a lot more irritable than normal, even saying things before I realized I said anything then wondering why. Something was going on with my condition again and I needed to figure it out. As more days went by that Barbara just would not let it go or accepting the fact we sill not be living with my sister, I started to see what was happening in me and track it to the original source. After so much health crap the thyroid thing made me think 'are you fucking kidding us?!?' adding the possibility of cancer to the mix.

 It all started to become clear. I was heading to another anxiety meltdwon. All the extra panic attacks, high anxiety...it's been building up for the last month and keeping me on an extra sharp edge! Plus Sheila's birthday is on the 1st and I always get a little edgy, so it just became too much to control any more than I had. With Barbara's biopsy coming on thursday(the 23rd) so we can find out if it's cancer this was a really bad time for this meltdown. No wonder she can't tell if I love her lately. These thoughts were on Tuesday the 21st. All that day and Wednesday I got it all together in my head so I could talk to Barb and straighten everything out, as well as make it right for how my disorder was hurting her lately.
We went to the biopsy, came home to chill until I went to do a quick side job for cigarette money, an hour later I went. As I left I say "I'll see you when I get back" then blow her a kiss while thinking 'when I get back I'll have my thoughts gathered and fix the fighting. After doing the job I stop on my way home at the smoke shop because I know we're out of cigs. I'm looking forward to having one with my wife when I get home and fixing our marriage, but she's taking a nap when I get there. Now I wait in the living room for her to come out. 2 hours later a really bad panic attack comes from nowhere. It has me distracted for a bit. Going to the bathroom I see her sundries are gone, reaction: "HUH? Strange."
 Then I go to the bedroom, opening the door it looks like the bed is empty so I turn on the light. No Barbara, her suitcase is gone, a clipboard on the bed has a piece of paper, on it is written:
 Sam, when I got sick you told me to run for my life, called yourself a walking cancerstick, and told me I would be better off without you. I completely agree. I went back to Florida and do not want any contact with you ever again. You lost your wife, thank you and goodbye!
Barbara

                                          TO BE CONTINUED...

expressive break part 2

                     Just Standing here

Standing here. No one will come anywhere near me. I’m just standing here on one foot.

 I cry, my shirt is as soaked as my face. My other foot is out in front, then the strong wind from the place I want to go knocks me backward.

 I scream in pain but no one will come anywhere near me. I stand back up putting my foot back half over the edge, my other foot out in front. The strong wind won’t let me go forward, so I can just stand here…until the wind slows enough.

 I cry, my shirt is as soaked as my face. I scream from pain and no one will come anywhere near me. I wait to fall and die, left alone just standing here. Fucking standing here.

Day 2100 AS (8-4-09)

Expressive poetry break

Ghosts

 When people are like ghosts, what do you do?

 When you need someone to give a fuck and no one shows up.

 When you just want someone to fucking talk to and no one you listen to will listen to you.

 When you feel the pain in loneliness because no one wants to be there.

When there is a gun in your hand and a barrel in your mouth because no one cares.

 When you are lost, when you have no hope….

When your light is gone….when there is only one way to be with your beloved…..

…and there is no one to stop you from pulling the trigger.

 What do you do…when people are like ghosts?

                 Day 2118AS

Hard reality

 Edit edit edit. I had to see what reading the book was like from a readers perspective. While doing that edit for grammar and some content. Something I have figured out about my book is that it is a little longer than most. I did not intend this to be, it just happened that way.
It's only fair I read it since I am not exactly the avid reader. If I can't tolerate it or it's length how can I possible expect anyone else to feel like reading it too?
 That turned out to be a good thing. It took me 9 days total and I found that I did not mind reading it, after a few things were fixed!
 As I search for new publishing possibilities it came to my attention that there are things I can do in stages to prepare the book for publishing. I tried a Booster campaign that got me no closer to cover design than I was already. Quite the opposite, the shirts sold some and there was such sweet support from my Google Plus friends that I decided to make sure they got their shirts. When time came I ordered the remaining shirts to make the minimum but got no cover design funds in the process.

All good! Destiny has a design and this was not part of it. Time to figure out what next.
 Then something really cool happens. During a hangout on the air my friend Priya Sharma and I get the attention of one of the participants in the hangout who is talking about a fascinating program she devised. Tara Meyer-Robson liked the conversation we were having in the comments section which made her decide to contact us. I was offered her program at a substantial discount! Being already interested at full price I jumped on the gift and graciously thanked her profusely.
 Going through the program blew my mind at how easy she makes every step. Once I finished reading through....well....there was nothing but gratitude! This is where it takes a strange turn. I could not do something she described about creating graphics. There was another friend who creates amazing graphics named Vishal Singh, he told me about the program he uses and where I can find the download. That began my exploration. Soon I had taught myself the program and was creating 'things'. My doodles became more serious, I was creating actual graphics. Had learned the photo manipulation and free design well enough to make some things that would make great t-shirts.

  This takes me onto a new direction. One that puts the book on the back burner for a while and lets me be the artist in a new medium to add to my paintings! That's fine with me right now because I need a break from this stress! Creating is what I like to do and it's time for that again.  As to the book, there is more editing to be done, no cover design possibility yet, and I have no ability to hire the people to get this done. Definitely time to take a break and let destiny point the way. I'll just edit on my own anf try to shorten it more.





  
 Now another bonus excerpt from my book because you stuck with me!
Page 4 (with the rest of 3)

  Hi ho hi ho a back to work I go. I’m liking this new job so far and a lot of the people I am working with seem pretty cool. It’s too bad my high school friend Joe is on p.m. though, it would be nice to hang with him again because after I graduated everything went crazy for the last 6 years. We, tragically, lost touch. However, Phil, Dina, Gisong, Joy and Wendy, all good nurses and people that I am enjoying learning about. When   Phil and I were partnered together they gave us a patient load twice normal size to make up for the sick call out they received earlier. No big deal though, we got things done very quickly as a team, we’ve had no complaints only compliments.

  The end of my shift approaches, Nooo please noooo! They don’t need anyone to do a double, think it’s funny the new guy asks. I blame it on needing to catch up for my “2 weeks off”, which wasn’t a total lie, I kinda needed the income, but my interests were truly with having more time with Sheila.

  On the way back to the house what Sheila had told me about her accident ran over and over in my head. Especially the time of year thing that she is sad about, wishing I could do something to cheer her up even just a little. So when I get home…I run upstairs to grab my potent smokables, kick on some music and think of Dreamgirl to see what kind of evil plans I can concoct to snare her heart, or cheer her up some.

  After three hours in the house alone chilling myself out with my dear friend Maryjane, people starting arriving home for the day. First April, then Liz, and then Joe and T.J.

When dinner was done April and T.J. felt like tossing back a few beers so I joined in just to get my mind off of Sheila for a while. We got pretty messed up and ended up playing some computer game for hours. It didn’t get my mind off of Sheila completely, as I kinda didn’t want it to anyway, but just enough to calm my brain was what I wanted. That night after I fall asleep that thing that always happens when I see Dreamgirl does so again, but this time she doesn’t disappear before I can reach her. Instead, she walks up to me and gives me a huge hug. I think the dreams have changed forever. Finally we make contact when we never have before. In the dream reality we are very friendly, if you know what I mean. She was waiting for me to pick her up to go to the Crocker art gallery for our date. The strange thing was that Sheila was walking around (in the dreams she was never in a wheelchair, she was her pre-collision self), but I remember putting her chair in the trunk just in case we needed it which made me quickly realize any doubt I had that Sheila was NOT the woman I’ve seen for years while asleep was completely gone. A funny thing happened at the end of this dream, I took Sheila home and after we kissed goodnight we went into different apartments that were next to each other. My last thought was “WOW! That’s where she lives, how weird that we live right next to each other. Talk about convenience factor!”

Waking was quite the experience. The reality of what happened in my sleep put me in an unusually good mood. Solid confirmation in my mind that Sheila is the one I have been seeing all these years. As messed up as the last two months has been, being burned out of my apartment, losing 90% of all I own, the complete upheaval of my life and even getting fired for refusing to wear a back brace that caused my back pain…a lot of crap! Now suddenly the most unexpected thing happens, in the most unexpected place and time. Talk about weird timing. The thought comes, my life was burned away save the most precious things, my old job dispatched by another’s stupidity. Though I could have fought for the job and easily won because I had a corporate level rep. handling my pre-termination grievance who wanted me to fight, it felt right to just let it go. Poor Mary, the nursing director, lost her job a few days later because of the situation. I found out through the letter I received offering me future employment at such time I should be searching.  I will say this about that job; the people I worked with at the Eskaton facility and the Homestead of Fair Oaks itself was a great facility where I m still happy to have been employed. Even after my termination I had no ill feelings toward Mary, something else was going on in her life that messed with her emotions.

what I came up with

 More madness! Okay, so the decision was wade to go the self publishing route once and for all time eternal. Now what?! 

 Time to figure it out. When I type in "self publishing" all kinds of places pop up. This begins months of searching, querying, sending samples, getting the same responses. 'We would love to work with you, have a look at our publishing packages and choose the right one for you."

 I'm a little confused. When you write a book with an interesting story, if done right there should be no problem in return on investment. So why would they be charging up front? Where's the incentive to be clever and make sure the books have their best chance? it was nice to be so sought after, but it's for the wrong reasons. So far the best thing I have found is Amazon's publishing services. Oddly that was the first place I looked into. 

Dread sets in at the feeling of getting nowhere. Everything has to be paid for, like editing, cover, interior, blurb (whatever that is). What do I do when I have no way to acquire those services? There's also a recurring theme in that the book should be as polished as possible before an editor gets it.  With all the warnings about doing it yourself when you have no clue what to do I began to ask more questions in my "authorship university". Somewhere I hear about these places that do the self publishing but require no up front money from the author. Good luck finding them though! I found 3, only 3, and none of them do memoir/bio. Maybe I should call it a true life romance and go for that genre. For now I do the only thing I can, gather intel on editing and edit edit edit.

 Now more bonus for you since you read this so graciously! Another excerpt from this thing I keep blabbing about.

So what though, Wendy knows them and will be helpful, and it’s a lot faster for me to have her patient knowledge immediately handy. It saves the wasted time of my incessant questions! What is your mobility-do you stand up or need help-do I need to be careful of anything-blah-blah-blah. . I went off doing whatever task came along from whatever source it was presented. Since it was all the typical daily nursing tasks that I had done thousands of times already they required little in the way of cognitive processing so my mind was always on…you know who!

  While running around the halls of station 1 getting the patients ready for breakfast when lookie there!, Sheilas light is on! And away I go! Knock-knock on the door  and announce myself so she knows who the invader will be whom answers her beckon. Oh glory be! Sheila pushed the call light AND she wants coffee AND she is really happy to see me be the one that answered. When she said “HI ALEX!” I think my heart froze in place for a moment, or maybe it was TIME that froze. There is that beautiful face. We’re talking and I am part of the conversation, but I kept wanting to ask her if she wants Mr. Right-only- for-her-because-now-that-I’ve-seen-you-no-one-else-is-possible, but you know! Gotta be COO’  about shit fo’ now and let us both learn some stuff about each other. So I go and get Sheila her morning coffee. Again the same reaction, she loves it! The whole coffee thing wasn’t just a fluke of the cosmos. When the breakfast trays came I once again found Sheila’s and happily delivered it thinking how I would do this for her at home if I could get her to my place. For now I’ll settle for simply being able to do it at all.

 The rest of the day went pretty well, but the best part was smoke breaks when I got to sit with Sheila and yak about whatever. It turns out we have a lot in common. We like the same in music, movies, and fun. We watched many of the same classic TV shows growing up and both even spent most of our lives in Sacramento. During my lunch break I had no appetite because I was too excited, I knew Sheila would be outside and we would have the entire break to sit and talk. That conversation she told me about her getting her wheelchair via car wreck in which she hit her back against the dashboard of her friends’ car breaking her spine at T8 while severing her spinal cord. It was at this time of year the wreck happened so she was always a little depressed when it rolled around. Her sad anniversary was just over a month away on Nov.17, which will close 7 years. Damn! I wanted to hug her before, imagine how much I wanted to after hearing THAT. As I sit there talking with her I keep thinking ‘she’s so freakin’ hot that even 7 years in a chair can’t touch it!’. That’s around about when I asked slyly about her boyfriend, being really happy when she tells me she has no romantic entanglements a’cuz I get to snatch her up!! All I gotta do is get her to want it enough to open her heart. She gives me a little crack of the door I’m gonna climb right the hell in there and claim that gorgeous pumper for MINE, and take her places her spirit never imagined. I MEAN,C’MON, I have been thinking about this all through my teen years, I got plans toward her.

  Dang! My watch is beeping! Lunch break is over, I have to go back to work. And things were going so well! Man I wish I could kiss her! With those sexy lips I’ll bet they feel really warm and soft. Hey! At least the lunch trays will be arriving soon, hopefully I can grab hers again. Of course there’s always the luck of the call light!

Query letters and self-publishing

  Do you know that feeling of the boat sinking and you being in a turbulent ocean? Yeah.
  It's not easy to find answers about self publishing but there are so many places to check into. What does one do? Send queries to the ones that sound good, and are not too expensive. What I figure out is that I don't have the resources to cover the expenses. That means having to be very picky.
 When that got too annoying to research I went back to finding agents to query and figuring out that letter. A web stumble put me where I could ask an actual agent to evaluate my letters. Evan was awesome and he didn't work on memoirs so no conflict. So far I had been getting the usual responses, automated or no thanks. It's hard to be insulted when they are simply not taking any new projects.

 Obviously his was no easy answer to find. One thing I have been picking up on thanks to my "Authorship university" is that while I might be thinking about which road to follow it is wise to continue on my path of querying. No matter what everyone does say something alike to the effect of this being a personal choice. Basically don't ask them who they worked with and what they thought. One little problem I have is I have only had web service for 6 months for the firs time ever so I have no idea the rules of social interaction. Right now just read some posts, post a question, and be glad someone bothers to answer.

 As the next few weeks passed I grew to hate the traditional route for my book. It's true life as it happened with all the details I could absolutely verify, or were personal only to us so you have no choice but to believe it! Nyah nyah! Self-pub is my way. So, do you think I went all out to figure out how and where and all that junk, NO! It's enough I figured out that much, but there is still a book being written. Don't ask the authors for contact ideas, but about how to write properly and they flow like a slough!

Especially editors! I meet Karen Conlin early into my incessant questioning and was glad I did. "Grammar Nazi" was a new term to me that her and a few others joked about, yet the information they were giving me in their joviality helped me catch mistakes I had made. Fixed those before they would find out!
 The way I figure it, I need to make this the best it can be even before I figure out what to do next. It's not like I didn't have the time being on disability and stuck in my apartment.

 Now I have another gift of my book for you who take the time to read this blog! Page2.

  As Phil and I went back to our duties I’m riding a new high. My workday is going to be smooooooth as silk no matter what. This is my third day on the job, my first on the floor, and not even two hours into it and I get to meet DREAMGIRL. I really thought she was something I conjured in my imagination. It turns out she is an actual live human named SHEILA KAY.

  The workday went very smoothly. Every chance I could find to be around Sheila got snatched up with a quickness that could snap bones. If her call light went on I ran to answer, when lunch came I hunted for her tray in the cart to deliver it for her. She asked for coffee at breakfast, she likes hers the same as I. When she drank she said it was “exactly perfect!” , and that everyone else resorted to bringing  sugar and cream packets.

Me getting her coffee that day was the first thing that really opened Sheila up to me. So for the rest of the day my cigarette breaks were timed by Sheila being outside already. I’m talking about looking out the windows of various patients rooms at the smoking area.

When 15:00 came and I had to clock out for the day….well...I would have happily worked double-shift to spend another 8 hours near Dreamgirl, but they didn’t need anyone so I had to leave. OH MAN did that suck. I wanted to take Sheila home with me. What would have happened if I had told her…she probably would have laughed and thought nothing about it.

  While driving back to Liz and Joe's house my brain was in a fog. There were moments I wasn’t sure if I was really awake. When I got to the house no one else was there so I broke out my pipe, packed it with bud and toked in celebration and to help process the days occurrences. Not every day does one get to meet a person they thought they made up in their twisted little mind. While sitting there with my pipe I got to wondering if Sheila would smoke pot or would I have to keep it to myself. She smokes cigs , so… maybe.

 The rest of the day I mostly wanted it to be the next workday so it would be time to go to work. Besides, going back gives me a chance to confirm Sheila still exists, I won’t be completely convinced until I see her again.

  After a mostly sleepless weekend I get up the next Monday anxious to go to work. This new job so far has been surreal, what will day 2 show me? So far at no time have I ever looked so forward to clock in for the day. Driving time was occupied with thoughts of  seeing Dreamgirl, being partially convinced Friday didn’t happen the way I think or maybe not at all. That brain fog stuck because the only thing I recall clearly is getting myself down the 300 hall to see if Sheilas name was on the right doorplate, and being well outside the solar system in the time it took between seeing her name and taking the next breath. As much as a euphoric moment I may be having there is a job I need to do no matter how I feel, so I went to it with some new strange kind of energy, which was useful for the trip back to Earth to rejoin my body. My conversations were of the task at hand, keeping certain thoughts to myself, of course. After all I don’t want to come across as crazy or stalkery, that aint me. I’m simply trying to figure out how to peak Sheilas interests, twang her romantic bone, make her heart melt, start obsessing about ME! OH Yeah baby. This new day brings my new assignment. I will be on the 200 hall with Wendy, and Joy & Lisa do the 300 hall. I will be busy myself because I am not accustomed to the patients completely. So what though, Wendy knows them and will be helpful, and it’s a lot faster for me to have her patient knowledge immediately handy. It saves the wasted time of my incessant questions!

No end....

                No end to the misery

 No matter how much I think, I can find no end.

NO matter who I meet I will always be alone. Every night, alone. After the call ends, alone.

No matter who I meet I can never fall in love. I already am in love. I am tuned only to that love.

 No matter what I do, who I help, what kindness I show, how much I lie to be social, there is always the same misery under the reflection of a memory.

No matter who I’ve met I have always been alone. Every night, alone, after the call ends, alone.

No matter how much I think, I can find no end to the misery.

Dedicated in memory of

Sheila Rayburn-Vain  3-1-63 to 11-5-03

Forsaken (an expressive)

                            Forsaken

   Back to exile, never leave exile, always in exile.

Demand from me, using me, abusing me,

don’t hear me, don’t see me, why look? Don’t!

You won’t, it scares you, I see you fear,

You’re stupid!

 If you knew…really knew,

you would fall to your knees to cry.

My horror grows, it makes yours sand to me.

Bow to my dark power.

I bow to your beauty.

Written on day 1238AS

Query letters and annoyance.

 Now that I have decided to find and agent the query letter comes into play. I have no idea how to do that, have never seen one, don't know what to say in one. When not actually writing this is what I try to figure out. I drafted one, tried to keep it simple, like he wants, send it, and wait. Try coming up with a different one for another agent, repeating this six more times. Mostly getting automated responses.
 The research into publishing continues leading me to Google plus when I needed a break and got curious about that "+you" in the corner. That curiosity turned out to be a good thing. I discovered a couple communities, one in particular that would become my "Author university". People there were surprisingly easy to communicate with and I got to ask editors, e-book publishers, many other writers who had published something. They gave me a great deal to consider and interesting questions to research.
 As I look deeper into the mechanics of publishing I really don't like much of what I read about the traditional route. Unless you're a celebrity or linked to one, you can pretty much forget it. Of course the right agent will get you a deal, but will you want it when it's done and will the book that is released even be your work? Considering what I wrote this is highly unacceptable. You just can't go changing what happened in real life and have it still be true. I didn't write a fiction based on our real story, it's our real story in its horror or beauty.
 It looks like I had better find out how to self publish.



Now a new idea. To you few souls who chose to read my blog, I give you the first page of the book "9 Years of Heaven in Hell", and if you want more I'll do more on future posts.

The Collision

 

Oct. 07,1994, I am at work, Phil and I are finishing with getting his patients ready for breakfast. I go to take some soiled linens to the hopper for rinsing when I see something coming at me in the hallway out of the corner of my eye so I stop in my tracks to avoid a collision. Then I see the object about to hit me is a person in a wheelchair flying down the hall. The face I see is that of a woman I have only seen in my sleep. The realization stuns my mind. Am I awake? It is 08:00, or maybe I just think that. I’m pretty sure I am awake. It feels like cosmic lightning is exploding my brain, that never happens in my dream and I always feel her looking at me before I see her. THIS MUST BE REAL!!

  “PHILLIP!! I JUST SAW A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR ZOOMING UP THE HALL,WHO IS SHE?-- I dunno what did she look like?-- SHE IS YOUNG LOOKING, SANDY BROWN HAIR.-- That sounds like SHEILA, was it SHEILA?-- I DON’T KNOW THAT’S WHY I’M ASKING YOU.-- Where was she going?-- TOWARD THE SNACK MACHINE BUT THE OTHER WAY.-- Did she go outside?-- I THINK SO.-- That sounds like SHEILA going out for a smoke before breakfast.-- YOU GOTTA INTRODUCE ME TO HER.-- Okay, we’ll finish here and go for a smoke break.-- WHAT DO WE HAVE LEFT TO DO?-- Just get ‘Doc’ up and rinse what you’re holding.-- YOU GET THAT I’LL RINSE THESE.”

 I went to the soiled linen closet as fast as I could, rinsed the pads almost clean, washed hands and grabbed 2 cigs. Headed back to the patient room to meet Phil, whom was walking the hall toward me.

    “Are you ready Phil ?

     “Yeah, just let me get a smoke.”

  I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to Phil. He is surprised I have one of his cigarettes. Until I tell him I noticed when we were introduced that we smoke the same brand and type, so I grabbed 2 of mine. Off we went. When we got outside Phil and SHEILA greeted each other, then Phil intro’d us and for the first time in my life I get to touch the lady in my dreams. I am actually looking at her, she isn’t going to disappear into the crowd, I KNOW HER NAME, and what her voice sounds like!!

 All we seem to be doing is sitting around smoking. That may be what THEY were up to, I was having one HELL of a moment. NINETEEN YEARS seeing her in dreams, wondering ‘who is she?!’, and thinking that even if we met how could I be interesting to someone so freakishly gorgeous? Man!! After all this time I’m sitting here with her, ALIVE IN THE FLESH! Sitting here staring at her…I’m realizing she is perfect.

 HEY SAM! LOOK AT HER LEFT HAND!! YES!! NO RING!! GIVE ME A CHANCE, BABY, I’LL FIX THAT RIGHT GOTT DAMM NOW!!!

 It’s so funny, a conversation is taking place, I am part of it because we are all talking about me being new on the floor, working with Phil as my orientation, general stuff designed to introduce a patient to new staff. All the while I want to pick Sheila up into my arms and tell her how I have been waiting for her since I was four, if she will fall in love with me I will treat her like a GODDESS showing her a love to the like she would never dare hope be real! I wanted to kiss her then ask her to marry me right there! Yeah, then she would probably scream, yell at me, and never want to see my freakshow face ever again.

I guess playing it cool is the better choice. Ummyeah, wait for the right moment, look for any opportunity to get close. DAMN! Smoke break is over.