BSR-V aban. pt 3: epilogue and message to my wife

 The wondering. It’s killing what’s left of me. It looks like there’s no saving us. Looking back at everything and where we are now makes me think Barbara was never truly in this for us to be happy, she wanted me to give her something in a magical relationship but I can’t help wonder if she only stayed as long as she did because of having nowhere else to go. Just using me to support her when she couldn’t but got tired of the broke life and being cramped in tiny living spaces so she got her uncle to move her back to Florida in his nice big country club house where she really wanted to be (pure speculation, she may be in Cali. for all I know). She knew I was on disability, where I lived when we got together, and how much I struggle to get by, so it’s not like she was surprised. All I can do is wonder if anything she ever said to me was true when all of her actions through the whole relationship showed otherwise to me/everyone else we saw regularly. This truth hurts a lot to have to face and I still hope she really does care somewhere inside enough to finally admit the truth to herself, we had a good marriage, maybe fix us.

Not only is she killing my hope that a true love can come after losing the love of your life, being just as important in their own way, but she’s killing everyone else’s that has suffered the same loss. Our life together was good except for when we were arguing. We had many wonderful moments like having our private parties playing music videos dancing on the porch while having a smoke. Our first 4^th of July getting take out chicken dinner and watching fireworks, chilling at home cuddled on the couch, snuggling ourselves to sleep, getting through another fight and being stronger/ happier until the next one. With all our individual mental issues we were doing great and always I improved after having a major issue, mine were becoming less frequent. Hers were becoming clearer to me and I was learning how to handle them better. We really are good for each other and she knows it! Plus there’s the future.

 Barbara, you know there’s a high likelihood you will become forgetful enough to not take your meds, things will go badly in that way you know, no one will be able to handle that, which will land you in a care facility of some kind. We already talked about that, you asked me to care for you at home, I promised you I would because I love my wife too much to let her be in a care facility. I’ll love you even if you don’t remember me and I have to remind you every day with pictures and our marriage certificate. That still stands!

 How many times have I said: if you want the rewards of a strong true love relationship you have to be willing to put in the work. When you work for something it means more to you, when it’s handed to you it means nearly nothing. You’ll never reap the rewards if you just give up and quit. No matter how much I wanted to I never gave up on you or us, put everything I have into us, got through what made me feel like quitting, then made everything right so we could be happy again no matter who started the conflict. I don’t know how you could quit like this, Barbara, in the specific way to mess me up with maximum shock and pain. Is this you? Or are you really a loving person deep inside that can tell you’re giving up something truly great/wonderful and make up before it’s too late?

 All I can do is wait and see.

 You wanna know what I miss about you being here Barbara? I miss when you wanted me to run an errand you needed and it gave me a clear anxiety reaction where I tell you what’s up. Many times not in a sweet way since I was having an attack. None the less I went anyway because you needed it to be done. Along the way I thought about how it’s easy to do things when you’re happy about it but when you’re not and do it for someone you love anyway that is showing real love. I showed you real love that way many times if you think about it(even if you thought I did it badly). I also miss having to go to the markets for the food you want so much that I think about what to get you even now when in the stores we used. My anxiety on that subject had lessened in the last year thanks to me doing it for you. Now it’s back to how it was before you came because I want to shop for US, not just me. You made me want to cook because I loved it when you enjoyed what I made for us/you.

 Even when we were fighting and you spent most of the day in bed I was always glad to see you when you came out whether you said anything to me or not. When I had to do some side job, help someone, or do anything where I left and you stayed home, I always wanted to get HOME to be with you. Looked forward to getting there and hoping you were happy I came home. YOU made my place home! Without you it’s back to being a place where I don’t want to be but can’t leave easily. But I guess that’s my problem.

 We knew what was up when we took our vows, we made promises to stay together in sickness or in health, through good times and bad, and to love, honor, and cherish each other. I hold true even through this tragedy, what will you do Barbara? You want to learn and grow? You know being with me with help you grow in ways you need while you enjoy the true real love I feel for you. I want to grow too but without you, my adored wife, I have no reason or ability. Being the best husband to you I can be is what makes me continue, and you know I am the best you’ve ever heard of despite my mental issues! They improved greatly with your influence. Can we go back to fighting for our happy marriage or do you need time?! Give me something to hope for or closure! I deserve at least one of them.

BSR-V abandons husband Pt. 2

SHOCK

 Where DID Barbara go?! She’s broke and with an income in the $200 range she can’t afford to house herself! She’s has no car. Everything she has is in the suitcase. Now I’m in a full meltdown with a full strength panic attack. As soon as I could compose myself enough I tried calling her hoping she’s with a nearby friend. 

No answer. Try again, nothing. My brain is going haywire now trying to wrap my head around her being gone. I’m crying more and pouring out my thoughts vocally while smoking a cigarette. Out of my mouth comes “the only happy glimmers I’ve had in my life since you died Sheila were because of Barbara!” I was momentarily confused saying out loud ‘I had happy glimmers?!’ Then I saw memories flashing in my head and I saw the glimmers. Now this is really bad timing for her!!

 Realizing this new info brought all kinds of new possibilities for us I never thought possible. If we keep working at it she could actually bring some semblance of happiness into my life. Something I long ago gave up attaining might be possible because of her influence on my daily life! All this made things get a lot worse. Anxiety, panic, the crying, new hopelessness if Barbara doesn’t come back, all started having the same effect on me Sheila’s dying did. Fucking Great!!!

 I tried calling, leaving messages, tried emails the next morning. No response. No clue where she is, if she’s even alive. Nothing. I can’t sleep and forgot to eat that fateful Thursday. With no response Friday, crying all of the time, still being in shock and now with no sleep, I didn’t eat (for 4 days) and could not answer the phone unless it was Barbara (it never was). All the while trying to get in contact with her. Eventually I reached out to the only person available but knew it was likely a futile effort. Still, I’m trying to find my wife and fix our marriage so I have to try. She’s gone off the deep end on this one and needs her husband to bring her back to reality but how can I if she won’t respond?! With fingers crossed I waited. And kept crying my eyes out. It took 4 days for me to be able to tell anyone, my sister had to yank it out of me because she never saw me so upset before. Friend and best man at our wedding Eric had to come over to try and calm me with cannabis, which I needed badly over this!

  The only way for her to pull this exodus off is to call a certain family member, lead him to believe she is in danger from me somehow (I get that from what she said online, everyone who has seen us and knows me will tell you she never had reason to fear for her safety with me!) He’s the only one who would AND could help her like that. After a week passed I get told about Barbara making a twitter post about leaving her husband and I respond hoping it will open positive communication but she immediately retaliated by telling me to stop stalking her. Damn that’s messed up! Then she starts in with more posts on Google+, which made a few people ask me what’s going on with me and Barb. I try to look but am blocked by her so I get a copy/pasted look at what she said. Until then I had decided to not make any posts about this, she changed my mind when she got cruel, petty, and began telling outright lies trying to get sympathy under false pretenses.

 Then she actually responds to me on one of my posts about us, and she is being cold hearted in her demeanor. Usual behavior for her, refusing to take responsibility for her actions, trying to shift blame of all things she is doing on me, twisting parts of old conversations into something new by taking things out of their original context and changing it completely, and even holding my disability against me while telling everyone on her posts it’s because I am capable of murder. Talk about fucked up!! It’s because of the trauma I suffered after Sheila died when I inherited anxiety/panic attacks and my depression, so to say what she did is outright lying. Many times I told her how she acts proves Barbara love only Barbara so much that I don’t exist in the relationship, will screw over or lie to anyone she must to get what she wants, and doesn’t care who gets hurt as long as she got what she wanted. So far her actions in abandoning us and how she’s acted since are proving me right when I so desperately wanted her to prove me wrong. I actually said those truths to her hoping she’d listen and ask me to help her change it. Over 2 years and she never even thought about it. Never asked what why I came to that assessment and refused to listen when I told her the ‘why’.

 Now she is trying to justify her continued actions on fictitious problems we never had. Never accepting the truth: she made our relationship what it was, controlled the energy of it, and it could all be what we both want and need of she would just knock it off and try to be the person she describes herself to be instead of creating false images. I see you clearly Barbara. I know you better than you will ever know yourself and can show you the way to being what you fantasize. You know MY LOVE is true, is yours? Was yours ever true to me?

   To be continued ……Maybe……

Barbara Sherry Rose-Vain abandons her marriage

 Along my path to publishing I met a published author named Barbara Sherry Rose while killing time on Google+. We became fast friends, got together on Oct. 16th 2014, and got married on Sept. 18th, 2015.

We both have mental issues, hers requires medication and mine got me put on disability for post trauma anxiety disorder/panic attack disorder, along with major depression causing suicidal ideations.
 Since July 2016 we have had nothing but stresses put on us. We took her to the E.R. because she was convinved she had another urinary tract infection and found out her pain was caused by fibroid tumors in her uterus and stones in her gallbladder. These require surgical ramoval. Getting her health insurance was hard but she got it pretty quickly due to the urgency, still initial appointments were weeks or months away.
 In august we got a 60 day notice from the manager to move in retaliation for calling code enforcement over the really shoddy construction the maintenance crew did on rebuilding the deck above my patio. Now we have more stress because the manager will not change her mind even after Barbara went to talk to her about the surgeries. The hysterectomy was scheduled for Oct. 14th and our final day to be moved was the 16th, but none of that mattered to the manager because she was mad we called code enforcement. Fight to stay or find a new place and move....which one? We eventually got tired of the situation and moved into a house where we rent a room with 2 others.


 With that handled her surgery day came, I spent the whole time with my wife in the hospital. It was a whole 2 days(OOH). Then I took care of her while she recovered. Lots of pain. Gallbladder came next and this one was easier on her. When she had the presurgical testing done it revealed unusual thyroid function, so now we have another health thing to wonder about.
 Now we have stresses of normal life. One of them is us fighting when Barbara has a mental moment, her chem balance is off and she becomes 'Dark Barbara' who likes to instigate fights causing me an anxiety attack, then when I get upset in the same way every time this happens suddenly she thinks I got upset with no provocation. Then she jumps down my throat about every little thing I say, taking what I said out of context and changing it to my annoyance, never will admit she did anything to lead up to me getting upset, nor does she think she has any reason to apologize for her actions but wants me to do so for mine and accept responsibility for her actions too.

For months we have been talking about getting a place either with my little sister or our friend Gino then out of nowhere on Feb. 5th Barbara tells me she suddenly will not allow us to move in with sis bringing up good reasons but in a cold heartless way. I didn't want to relay the info knowing it would cause my sis great upset so I told Barb she'll have to tell her when the time comes. Since sis was getting a car the next day after 4 years trying I advised Barb not call her that day or the next so as to not ruin her celebration and good mood. I left for a bit on the 6th to drop Gino off at his favorite hangout and Barbara decided to go behind my back after promising not to and called sis. When I got back there was an upset message from her. In finding out why I got mad at Barbara for the sneaky move and breaking the promise she made the day before. Like usual we started fighting.

 Barbara was back in to that mood again. To me and my sister it was all settled after a couple of days, but Barbara had to keep it going between her and me. I kept wanting to react a certain way but found myself more irritated than I expected.
After a few more days the topic was still making us argue I noticed me reacting to her with flash reactions, being a lot more irritable than normal, even saying things before I realized I said anything then wondering why. Something was going on with my condition again and I needed to figure it out. As more days went by that Barbara just would not let it go or accepting the fact we sill not be living with my sister, I started to see what was happening in me and track it to the original source. After so much health crap the thyroid thing made me think 'are you fucking kidding us?!?' adding the possibility of cancer to the mix.

 It all started to become clear. I was heading to another anxiety meltdwon. All the extra panic attacks, high anxiety...it's been building up for the last month and keeping me on an extra sharp edge! Plus Sheila's birthday is on the 1st and I always get a little edgy, so it just became too much to control any more than I had. With Barbara's biopsy coming on thursday(the 23rd) so we can find out if it's cancer this was a really bad time for this meltdown. No wonder she can't tell if I love her lately. These thoughts were on Tuesday the 21st. All that day and Wednesday I got it all together in my head so I could talk to Barb and straighten everything out, as well as make it right for how my disorder was hurting her lately.
We went to the biopsy, came home to chill until I went to do a quick side job for cigarette money, an hour later I went. As I left I say "I'll see you when I get back" then blow her a kiss while thinking 'when I get back I'll have my thoughts gathered and fix the fighting. After doing the job I stop on my way home at the smoke shop because I know we're out of cigs. I'm looking forward to having one with my wife when I get home and fixing our marriage, but she's taking a nap when I get there. Now I wait in the living room for her to come out. 2 hours later a really bad panic attack comes from nowhere. It has me distracted for a bit. Going to the bathroom I see her sundries are gone, reaction: "HUH? Strange."
 Then I go to the bedroom, opening the door it looks like the bed is empty so I turn on the light. No Barbara, her suitcase is gone, a clipboard on the bed has a piece of paper, on it is written:
 Sam, when I got sick you told me to run for my life, called yourself a walking cancerstick, and told me I would be better off without you. I completely agree. I went back to Florida and do not want any contact with you ever again. You lost your wife, thank you and goodbye!
Barbara

                                          TO BE CONTINUED...