what I came up with

 More madness! Okay, so the decision was wade to go the self publishing route once and for all time eternal. Now what?! 

 Time to figure it out. When I type in "self publishing" all kinds of places pop up. This begins months of searching, querying, sending samples, getting the same responses. 'We would love to work with you, have a look at our publishing packages and choose the right one for you."

 I'm a little confused. When you write a book with an interesting story, if done right there should be no problem in return on investment. So why would they be charging up front? Where's the incentive to be clever and make sure the books have their best chance? it was nice to be so sought after, but it's for the wrong reasons. So far the best thing I have found is Amazon's publishing services. Oddly that was the first place I looked into. 

Dread sets in at the feeling of getting nowhere. Everything has to be paid for, like editing, cover, interior, blurb (whatever that is). What do I do when I have no way to acquire those services? There's also a recurring theme in that the book should be as polished as possible before an editor gets it.  With all the warnings about doing it yourself when you have no clue what to do I began to ask more questions in my "authorship university". Somewhere I hear about these places that do the self publishing but require no up front money from the author. Good luck finding them though! I found 3, only 3, and none of them do memoir/bio. Maybe I should call it a true life romance and go for that genre. For now I do the only thing I can, gather intel on editing and edit edit edit.

 Now more bonus for you since you read this so graciously! Another excerpt from this thing I keep blabbing about.

So what though, Wendy knows them and will be helpful, and it’s a lot faster for me to have her patient knowledge immediately handy. It saves the wasted time of my incessant questions! What is your mobility-do you stand up or need help-do I need to be careful of anything-blah-blah-blah. . I went off doing whatever task came along from whatever source it was presented. Since it was all the typical daily nursing tasks that I had done thousands of times already they required little in the way of cognitive processing so my mind was always on…you know who!

  While running around the halls of station 1 getting the patients ready for breakfast when lookie there!, Sheilas light is on! And away I go! Knock-knock on the door  and announce myself so she knows who the invader will be whom answers her beckon. Oh glory be! Sheila pushed the call light AND she wants coffee AND she is really happy to see me be the one that answered. When she said “HI ALEX!” I think my heart froze in place for a moment, or maybe it was TIME that froze. There is that beautiful face. We’re talking and I am part of the conversation, but I kept wanting to ask her if she wants Mr. Right-only- for-her-because-now-that-I’ve-seen-you-no-one-else-is-possible, but you know! Gotta be COO’  about shit fo’ now and let us both learn some stuff about each other. So I go and get Sheila her morning coffee. Again the same reaction, she loves it! The whole coffee thing wasn’t just a fluke of the cosmos. When the breakfast trays came I once again found Sheila’s and happily delivered it thinking how I would do this for her at home if I could get her to my place. For now I’ll settle for simply being able to do it at all.

 The rest of the day went pretty well, but the best part was smoke breaks when I got to sit with Sheila and yak about whatever. It turns out we have a lot in common. We like the same in music, movies, and fun. We watched many of the same classic TV shows growing up and both even spent most of our lives in Sacramento. During my lunch break I had no appetite because I was too excited, I knew Sheila would be outside and we would have the entire break to sit and talk. That conversation she told me about her getting her wheelchair via car wreck in which she hit her back against the dashboard of her friends’ car breaking her spine at T8 while severing her spinal cord. It was at this time of year the wreck happened so she was always a little depressed when it rolled around. Her sad anniversary was just over a month away on Nov.17, which will close 7 years. Damn! I wanted to hug her before, imagine how much I wanted to after hearing THAT. As I sit there talking with her I keep thinking ‘she’s so freakin’ hot that even 7 years in a chair can’t touch it!’. That’s around about when I asked slyly about her boyfriend, being really happy when she tells me she has no romantic entanglements a’cuz I get to snatch her up!! All I gotta do is get her to want it enough to open her heart. She gives me a little crack of the door I’m gonna climb right the hell in there and claim that gorgeous pumper for MINE, and take her places her spirit never imagined. I MEAN,C’MON, I have been thinking about this all through my teen years, I got plans toward her.

  Dang! My watch is beeping! Lunch break is over, I have to go back to work. And things were going so well! Man I wish I could kiss her! With those sexy lips I’ll bet they feel really warm and soft. Hey! At least the lunch trays will be arriving soon, hopefully I can grab hers again. Of course there’s always the luck of the call light!

Query letters and self-publishing

  Do you know that feeling of the boat sinking and you being in a turbulent ocean? Yeah.
  It's not easy to find answers about self publishing but there are so many places to check into. What does one do? Send queries to the ones that sound good, and are not too expensive. What I figure out is that I don't have the resources to cover the expenses. That means having to be very picky.
 When that got too annoying to research I went back to finding agents to query and figuring out that letter. A web stumble put me where I could ask an actual agent to evaluate my letters. Evan was awesome and he didn't work on memoirs so no conflict. So far I had been getting the usual responses, automated or no thanks. It's hard to be insulted when they are simply not taking any new projects.

 Obviously his was no easy answer to find. One thing I have been picking up on thanks to my "Authorship university" is that while I might be thinking about which road to follow it is wise to continue on my path of querying. No matter what everyone does say something alike to the effect of this being a personal choice. Basically don't ask them who they worked with and what they thought. One little problem I have is I have only had web service for 6 months for the firs time ever so I have no idea the rules of social interaction. Right now just read some posts, post a question, and be glad someone bothers to answer.

 As the next few weeks passed I grew to hate the traditional route for my book. It's true life as it happened with all the details I could absolutely verify, or were personal only to us so you have no choice but to believe it! Nyah nyah! Self-pub is my way. So, do you think I went all out to figure out how and where and all that junk, NO! It's enough I figured out that much, but there is still a book being written. Don't ask the authors for contact ideas, but about how to write properly and they flow like a slough!

Especially editors! I meet Karen Conlin early into my incessant questioning and was glad I did. "Grammar Nazi" was a new term to me that her and a few others joked about, yet the information they were giving me in their joviality helped me catch mistakes I had made. Fixed those before they would find out!
 The way I figure it, I need to make this the best it can be even before I figure out what to do next. It's not like I didn't have the time being on disability and stuck in my apartment.

 Now I have another gift of my book for you who take the time to read this blog! Page2.

  As Phil and I went back to our duties I’m riding a new high. My workday is going to be smooooooth as silk no matter what. This is my third day on the job, my first on the floor, and not even two hours into it and I get to meet DREAMGIRL. I really thought she was something I conjured in my imagination. It turns out she is an actual live human named SHEILA KAY.

  The workday went very smoothly. Every chance I could find to be around Sheila got snatched up with a quickness that could snap bones. If her call light went on I ran to answer, when lunch came I hunted for her tray in the cart to deliver it for her. She asked for coffee at breakfast, she likes hers the same as I. When she drank she said it was “exactly perfect!” , and that everyone else resorted to bringing  sugar and cream packets.

Me getting her coffee that day was the first thing that really opened Sheila up to me. So for the rest of the day my cigarette breaks were timed by Sheila being outside already. I’m talking about looking out the windows of various patients rooms at the smoking area.

When 15:00 came and I had to clock out for the day….well...I would have happily worked double-shift to spend another 8 hours near Dreamgirl, but they didn’t need anyone so I had to leave. OH MAN did that suck. I wanted to take Sheila home with me. What would have happened if I had told her…she probably would have laughed and thought nothing about it.

  While driving back to Liz and Joe's house my brain was in a fog. There were moments I wasn’t sure if I was really awake. When I got to the house no one else was there so I broke out my pipe, packed it with bud and toked in celebration and to help process the days occurrences. Not every day does one get to meet a person they thought they made up in their twisted little mind. While sitting there with my pipe I got to wondering if Sheila would smoke pot or would I have to keep it to myself. She smokes cigs , so… maybe.

 The rest of the day I mostly wanted it to be the next workday so it would be time to go to work. Besides, going back gives me a chance to confirm Sheila still exists, I won’t be completely convinced until I see her again.

  After a mostly sleepless weekend I get up the next Monday anxious to go to work. This new job so far has been surreal, what will day 2 show me? So far at no time have I ever looked so forward to clock in for the day. Driving time was occupied with thoughts of  seeing Dreamgirl, being partially convinced Friday didn’t happen the way I think or maybe not at all. That brain fog stuck because the only thing I recall clearly is getting myself down the 300 hall to see if Sheilas name was on the right doorplate, and being well outside the solar system in the time it took between seeing her name and taking the next breath. As much as a euphoric moment I may be having there is a job I need to do no matter how I feel, so I went to it with some new strange kind of energy, which was useful for the trip back to Earth to rejoin my body. My conversations were of the task at hand, keeping certain thoughts to myself, of course. After all I don’t want to come across as crazy or stalkery, that aint me. I’m simply trying to figure out how to peak Sheilas interests, twang her romantic bone, make her heart melt, start obsessing about ME! OH Yeah baby. This new day brings my new assignment. I will be on the 200 hall with Wendy, and Joy & Lisa do the 300 hall. I will be busy myself because I am not accustomed to the patients completely. So what though, Wendy knows them and will be helpful, and it’s a lot faster for me to have her patient knowledge immediately handy. It saves the wasted time of my incessant questions!

Query letters and annoyance.

 Now that I have decided to find and agent the query letter comes into play. I have no idea how to do that, have never seen one, don't know what to say in one. When not actually writing this is what I try to figure out. I drafted one, tried to keep it simple, like he wants, send it, and wait. Try coming up with a different one for another agent, repeating this six more times. Mostly getting automated responses.
 The research into publishing continues leading me to Google plus when I needed a break and got curious about that "+you" in the corner. That curiosity turned out to be a good thing. I discovered a couple communities, one in particular that would become my "Author university". People there were surprisingly easy to communicate with and I got to ask editors, e-book publishers, many other writers who had published something. They gave me a great deal to consider and interesting questions to research.
 As I look deeper into the mechanics of publishing I really don't like much of what I read about the traditional route. Unless you're a celebrity or linked to one, you can pretty much forget it. Of course the right agent will get you a deal, but will you want it when it's done and will the book that is released even be your work? Considering what I wrote this is highly unacceptable. You just can't go changing what happened in real life and have it still be true. I didn't write a fiction based on our real story, it's our real story in its horror or beauty.
 It looks like I had better find out how to self publish.



Now a new idea. To you few souls who chose to read my blog, I give you the first page of the book "9 Years of Heaven in Hell", and if you want more I'll do more on future posts.

The Collision

 

Oct. 07,1994, I am at work, Phil and I are finishing with getting his patients ready for breakfast. I go to take some soiled linens to the hopper for rinsing when I see something coming at me in the hallway out of the corner of my eye so I stop in my tracks to avoid a collision. Then I see the object about to hit me is a person in a wheelchair flying down the hall. The face I see is that of a woman I have only seen in my sleep. The realization stuns my mind. Am I awake? It is 08:00, or maybe I just think that. I’m pretty sure I am awake. It feels like cosmic lightning is exploding my brain, that never happens in my dream and I always feel her looking at me before I see her. THIS MUST BE REAL!!

  “PHILLIP!! I JUST SAW A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR ZOOMING UP THE HALL,WHO IS SHE?-- I dunno what did she look like?-- SHE IS YOUNG LOOKING, SANDY BROWN HAIR.-- That sounds like SHEILA, was it SHEILA?-- I DON’T KNOW THAT’S WHY I’M ASKING YOU.-- Where was she going?-- TOWARD THE SNACK MACHINE BUT THE OTHER WAY.-- Did she go outside?-- I THINK SO.-- That sounds like SHEILA going out for a smoke before breakfast.-- YOU GOTTA INTRODUCE ME TO HER.-- Okay, we’ll finish here and go for a smoke break.-- WHAT DO WE HAVE LEFT TO DO?-- Just get ‘Doc’ up and rinse what you’re holding.-- YOU GET THAT I’LL RINSE THESE.”

 I went to the soiled linen closet as fast as I could, rinsed the pads almost clean, washed hands and grabbed 2 cigs. Headed back to the patient room to meet Phil, whom was walking the hall toward me.

    “Are you ready Phil ?

     “Yeah, just let me get a smoke.”

  I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to Phil. He is surprised I have one of his cigarettes. Until I tell him I noticed when we were introduced that we smoke the same brand and type, so I grabbed 2 of mine. Off we went. When we got outside Phil and SHEILA greeted each other, then Phil intro’d us and for the first time in my life I get to touch the lady in my dreams. I am actually looking at her, she isn’t going to disappear into the crowd, I KNOW HER NAME, and what her voice sounds like!!

 All we seem to be doing is sitting around smoking. That may be what THEY were up to, I was having one HELL of a moment. NINETEEN YEARS seeing her in dreams, wondering ‘who is she?!’, and thinking that even if we met how could I be interesting to someone so freakishly gorgeous? Man!! After all this time I’m sitting here with her, ALIVE IN THE FLESH! Sitting here staring at her…I’m realizing she is perfect.

 HEY SAM! LOOK AT HER LEFT HAND!! YES!! NO RING!! GIVE ME A CHANCE, BABY, I’LL FIX THAT RIGHT GOTT DAMM NOW!!!

 It’s so funny, a conversation is taking place, I am part of it because we are all talking about me being new on the floor, working with Phil as my orientation, general stuff designed to introduce a patient to new staff. All the while I want to pick Sheila up into my arms and tell her how I have been waiting for her since I was four, if she will fall in love with me I will treat her like a GODDESS showing her a love to the like she would never dare hope be real! I wanted to kiss her then ask her to marry me right there! Yeah, then she would probably scream, yell at me, and never want to see my freakshow face ever again.

I guess playing it cool is the better choice. Ummyeah, wait for the right moment, look for any opportunity to get close. DAMN! Smoke break is over.